Holy*Man

Future. A short word with a huge meaning behind it. It personifies a human being's hopes and dreams, and most importantly, it also chronicles that person's impending life journey. Alot of people often asks themselves this question --> where do i see myself in XX yrs? And then they plan their XX yrs so as to achieve that standing that they aspire to possess. And since nothing is free in this world, what is lost in exchange for that status elevation?

Multiple physical and emotional sacrifices are made for tat simple goal. Extra long working hrs, less time with loved ones, seemingly endless obstacles etc. But the most critical sacrifice of all, is the sacrifice of morality and conscience. Although it does not apply to all cases, it does happen to a hefty percentages of us. Human morality and conscience is what separates us from other animals, yet these things are some of the most easily disposed of.

The big big question comes back to me: Will i become a ruthless and heartless creature in the pursuit for my mark in life? Will i betray my morals and do some despicable stuff just to get what i want? I guess its quite difficult for me to join the dark side, simply because i always try to live by my "Theory of Transcension".

My theory states that everything in this world is transcendent, everything is inevitable to some extend. What you get and what u have, will gradually be gone someday, and that someday is really not that far away. That leads us to picture the world as a predetermined entity, a place where everything is planned in advance, and we are simply acting out our roles as assigned. That is not a picture i wanna paint and explain using my theory, though some religions do condone and encourage this kind of mentality.

I believe that since everything disappears someday, u should take everything in your stride. Even failure can translate to a future greater success. Failure will only lead to greater success, that is my theory of "Inevitable Success". So the greater number of failures, the greater the success when it comes. :)

Do not view monetary matters overly seriously, like what the old people say, "You dun bring it with u when u are born and u dun bring it with u when u die.". If u can see pass the facade of money, u see money as a tool and resource, not as a god.

To better demonstrate the Theory Of Transcension, we come to the concept of 'if something has a start, it will always have an end". And since we can never truly stop something from ending, we must learn to appreciate it when we have it, and learn to let go when its time. In relationships, i believe in fully enjoying the time when we're together, and when the waters of fate has ran dry, letting go is always the best and only beneficial resort. In frenships, the same applies, appreciate the frens when u still have them by your side, most frends u make in ur life time will move on inevitably. I remember my various 'best frends' from my primary school, sec school and poly lifes, we used to do so much stuffs together, and now we dun even call each other and when we do see each other at gathering, we just smiled at each other.

The only best buddy i have for 14 yrs is still veri close with me fortunately, though the route of 14 years ain't really smooth sailing. hurhur. Primary school i have this guy called jonathan as my best frend, we disturbed and bullied people together, and have lots of fun. But after we left primary school, we didnt even called each other anymore. hohohoh.

And secondary school, i have a guy called jiansheng as my best frend. He's abit on the gentle side and most people shuns him thinking that he's gay, lolx. But now i dun even have his contact number and i havent seen him for years. Upper sec, i have a best fren called fadhir ( yes, he's a malay) whom always sticks to me. We were fans of fantasy stories and naturally, we had lots to talk about. Yet last year, when we went back to sec school for alumni meeting, i find i had almost nothing to talk to him. He's still the jovial and naive kinda guy from the past, but he's a tad too kiddish. I wanna talk about market forces and he wanna talk about starwars' THE FORCE.

I tok about politics and he answers with power rangers. So how do you expect me to converse effectively with him? He talks about cartoon and animes all the time, and im more looking forward to a fruitful and more intellectually stimulating conversation. The above example demonstrates the credibility of my theory to a Tee. When our mentality matched when we were young, we click naturally, but as time erodes away the child in me more then in him, we dun click much anymore. Relationships are transcendent too. :)

Some people might have this question --> since everything is predetermined and will eventually end, might as well dun do anything and rot at home rite? The fact is like a train and the track. If u want the train to arrive at the station, u need a driving force, without the force, the train wouldnt even move. And our effort serves as the force to help us reach the next station on the predetermined track. :)

Wow, its been sometime since i've came up with some sort of theory and its a wonder i can blabber so much on such short notice. lolx. The above may appear to be crap to some people, but i have trust in my theories. hahass :)

Jason's Famous Quotes : Rome wasnt built in a day. Keep trying.

Did You Know ? : Trying dun equal bugging. Dun be a bugger.

Tale of the Apple

A man planted an apple seed into the soil one day. He took care to cultivate the tree slowly everyday, watering his love and his devotion into the tree. He took efforts to pull out weeds around the tree day by day, watching his beloved apple tree mature into a healthy and beautiful plant. And when the harvesting season comes, the tree bore fruits that are tasteless.

The man wondered why, when he used so much effort and love, the tree bore tasteless fruits. And so, unable to decipher what is wrong, he sank into despair and sat below the tree drowning in sorrow day after day. A week later, his apple tree slowly wilted....

The next day, his neighbor was walking pass this man and saw him sitting quietly below the dying tree and shedding tears quietly. Concerned, he proceeded over and asked the man why is he so full of sorrow. The man told the neighbor his story and the neighbor, after listening to his plight, took out an apple from his bag and gave it to the man.

After taking a bite, the apple is surprisingly very sweet and tasty. And so the man asked his neighbor how come his apple is so nice and sweet. The neighbor replied : " I showered my tree with love and devotion, taking great care to weed out the weeds everyday and show the tree tender loving care everyday." . The man was obviously very puzzled because he did the same thing too, but his results wasn't what he had expected.

And hence the man begged the neighbor to tell him the formula to his great tasting apples. The neighbor smiled and told the man this : " I too went through the same thing as you, my tree also produced fruits that were tasteless, but then, rather then wallowing in despair, why not u use the time to continue cultivating the tree, waiting for the next harvest period? Although this harvest period might not bear sweet fruits, we can always look forward to the next harvest, and the next next harvest, so on and so forth..."

I was on the mrt coming home from school just now, doing my usual reflection of the events in my life when i sort of visualized this story. Alot of people became sad and sorrowful after somethings in their life did not went their way. As is with me, but then thinking about it, rather then sympatizing and feeling sad for your plight, u might as well use the time to do something about it. Being sad and everything does not change anything at all, but if u did something after your failure, you will taste success finally. Nobody fails forever, there will be a day u will inevitably taste sweet fruits.

I truly believe what makes a man, is his spirit and his will. So what no matter how many hits u take, how many blows u receive,remember to stand firm and stand tall in the face of adversity.
there's a phrase in hokkien for this never-dying spirit, its called PA BUAY TOU! :)

Jason's Famous Quotes : If u treasure the tree so much, remember not to give up the tree.

Did You Know? : Professionals call this spirit---> entrepreneuring spirit. -.-"

Random Tots

Been watching the whole Young And Dangerous Series on crunchyroll these days. hohoho, the shows kinda rekindle the long forsaken flames of my youth. Hahass, its so nice watching them after so long and i do respect how chan ho nam actually carries himself. I guess lots of guys of my era look up to chan ho nam as a role model, but seriously speaking, none of the people i kw came close to him at all. hahas! Maybe its cause he's a fictionous character lah, but i dun believe people that values loyalty still exists todae. :)

Ah wei's cousin derrick was chatting with me about some mundane stuffs on MSN yesterday, and he said something that i sort of dun agree with. Are all seemingly 'bad' people realli bad? Are gangsters all evil? I dun tink so at all. What determines what kinda person someone is, is definitely not he or she looks to be, its what is inside the heart that matters. A lowly hooligan may infact be someone that helps and saves people in times of need, whereas ironically, a top notch lawyer may in fact be a selfish bastard that only cares for himself and his precious status.

I tink everybody's parents will most prob educate us on a very famous phrase -->" when u grow up my child, please be somebody useful and dun do bad things and join gangs". And its under this type of environment that we are injected the concept that gangsters and hooligans = evil. But have we ever saw through the common illusion that exists in our society these days? That modern top-earning professionals are in fact the most terrible beasts that exist among us, those that schemes and plots with that dark dark heart of theirs for others' downfalls?

Im not condemning the entire cohort of people, but till this day, i never fail to wonder how human beings can degrade to such an extent. When people say that we are leaving our barbaric ancient ways behind and advancing to a more civilized world, i beg to differ. True, we are advancing and learning more and more elegant and acceptable ways of living, but deep inside, our hearts are degrading at a alarming rate. We hide behind masks, we operate with a motive, we resort to unscrupulous means juz to get wat we want. And hence, as we grow more 'civilized', our hearts grew darker.

What causes such huge extents of degratory effects? I suspect its something called education. With the introduction of strategy and tactics, we employ schemes and plots into our life to further our self-perceived 'fame and fortune'. In the past, education was much more mild and traditional, people get education to seriously become educated. Sadly, people get education now to become rich one day, not to get educated. A phrase that i coined is simply people nowadays are "getting educated without being educated.".

Hurhur, enough with blabbering about my own opinions of society, im also guilty as charged. hahass :P Evil people exists in this world so that i can see them thru my eyes and remember how degraded a human being can be. Each and every stroke and move is slowly seen by me, and bit by bit i've seen how scheming people can be, acting all nice to somebody but deep inside, they want something from them. Be its lust, money, power, i've seen all of them being done. :)

Tomolo the day is about going to gym, then swim, then in the evening cooking for my family. Lolx, i've become sort of a chef at home now and im going to try different recipes every week. Practice makes perfect mah, and i tink culinary skills will realli come in handy if in future im going to work overseas. hhahas!

Jason's Famous Quotes : What seems light, might in fact be dark.

Did You Know? : I always try to judge myself first before judging other people.

I Wish~~~

The recent events that occurred in my life tis few weeks is what i called the cursed period. Alot of unhappy things are happening in my life to pull me down. The army is forcing me to abandon my studies and go back for reservist, which i am going to get prove and then escalate this incident to national level.

Even though MP helped me, my fucking cb CO just dont see the cb point that i am a FULL-TIME student and i paid to study. I tink he just fucking look down on SIM students, how come NUS and NTU people juz need a simple letter to get deferment, whereas i need to go through so much fuck? He wanna play around with my studies and my future rite? Okies, lets play, im going to the forum, newspaper and the relevant departments. And if its possible, i would like to take legal action too. Juz wait and see. Bastard.

And then there's my studies to worry about. Todae juz went for my first finance lecture and im truly glad i made the switch. Im totally into finance and what the lecturer said is like a revision of the book that i read on stock exchange. I feel that finance shall be my strong subject this semester. As for the other topics, that's where the problem lies, im not that confident anymore after failing my comm law...haiz...

And adding salt to the wound is that it turns out that she realli dun feel anything for me. Im glad we sorted things out 2 days ago, though toking bout these type of stuffs over MSN aint realli that nice lah. I understand her wish to stay single and realli have sometime to cool off from the past relationship, but its juz this weird feeling within me that pushes me to at least get an answer. And at the end of the road, the answer isnt what i realli wanted, though im getting used to the same sentence over and over again-->" Sorry, but ur're not my type." -.-"

Anyways things were sorted out and i guess now is not the time ba, and so, i postpone wooing her to a later date. Right now i juz try to keep the feeling in stasis within me and just continue being good frens lor. Whether its possible in future anot, lets just let fate decide ba. Bottomline is this ---> no special stunts or watever silly things that can potentially embarass her. lolx!

Right now, since i have everything locked away, its time to train up for my ippt. Will be taking ippt on 15th august and though im fat and useless, i shall try to pass it. hohoho. 2 days ago, i finally picked up my butt and went downstairs to the stadium to run. Its been like 3 yrs since i last ran and as u ppl kw, i dun like to run. I was so incredibly vexed and pissed up that i forced myself to run, its good because exercise helps me vent my frustrations out. Todae i went swimming after what seems like ages and indeed, the swim calms me down alot, clearing up some of the entangled emotional problems within me.

Tomolo will be meeting zhengyi at the gym to do some weights. Good time to train my pull ups and tone up abit. Im even considering joining dragonboat as a CCA in skool but im kinda worried what happened during poly days will repeat itself, i dun wanna fail anything again. -.-"" One more news is rei is suddenly interested in the martial arts and he asked me to join a martial arts with him. hohoho. The other guys are considering joining either aikido or muay thai, and since im mad about the arts, im fine with anything. ( except those that are too expensive lah~~)

I dun believe in making empty promises and unless i realli forgot about it ( i have short term memory...my memory is onli 64MB...), i will do my best to honour it. That's why i dun tell people that i will 'wait' for them. Remember, guys that tell u that they will WAIT for u, are lying. What they meant by WAIT means ---> If another better gal comes along, i will jump ship, in the meantime i wait for u first.

My birthday is coming nxt mth. 24th august! hohoho, im going to open a chalet and invite frens.( as usual~~) but i still dun kw how is the format gonna be. As in im going to book a chalet for 5days 4 nites, but i dun kw which day call which frens man, or maybe everybody come down cluster fark on my bday? hmms.... For this year, i alreadi kw what birthday wish i will make and what present i want. There's only one present i want, and noone else can give me that present. hahass~~~ nonsense lah, tat's one present i dun tink im going to get unless god finally stopped playing tricks on me. -.-""

Long entry eh? hohohos, tat's the thing with lazy bloggers like me. We blog long long entries and then for the nxt few days we juz sort of disappear into thin air. hohohoh~~~ poof~~~~

Jason's Famous Quotes : 2 forces drives people. Money and Love.

Did You Know ? : If onli wishes came true. hmph.

Non-Chalant

Someone once told me that im too sensitive sometimes, for that, i do agree. Im a sensitive person that tends to read too much into small and silly stuffs. And i myself, on the contrary, is a callous person that dun realli read too much into stuffs i say or do to other people. Basically my input is bad, and my output is worse, so i guess in the end, im still a bad person?

Was 'counselling' junhao on the the gal he wanna get because he's sort of down that time. I know im in no position to realli console him, but anyways i realised his condition is somewhat the same as mine. He told me that the though the gal dun feel for him in that way, she actually took to initiative to ask him whether he likes her anot. And that made him and me respect her, because she's a very daring and upfront gal, so all the more junhao should cherish such a gal.

Okies, enough bout other people, this blog should be about me most of the time rite? lolx. So where were we? Oh ya, im a insecure person too, i dun lack confidence, but i just am naturally insecure i tink. I dun kw how to explain myself lah, but its that kinda insecurity u have that bugs u every now and then, its reoccurring and veri irritating. -.-"

Hmms, and now lets come to another topic, will a piece of white paper become black when immersed in black ink? Logically speaking its a resounding 'yes'. But logic also extends to real life situations, whatever kinda environment and what kinda people u have around u can drastically change ur course of life. I believe i did blog about my experiences with the extremes of both ends and how it forge what i am todae. Anyways what i wanna say is, what crowd u mix with makes u what sort of person. So tat's why our parents told us to choose our frens carefully. :P

And peter, what u said on the tag is correct, i agree with what u say, its a monopolised-country. Sad but true, and the added inflexibility further improved the notion that its a one man country. Our government is a good government nonetheless, simply because we are corruption free. Sometimes u will wonder, how come we are well known as corruption free? The answer is simple, there is a phrase called open corruption.. -.-""

And so, the big question looms again, should i or should i not? Move on?

Jason's Famous Quotes : Unknown the unknown.

Did You Know? : I tink im going to fail my ippt. -.-"

Cook De La Jason

Todae stayed at home the whole day, woke up in the afternoon and after washing up, started my day 2 and a chef in the making. hohoho! Started on Sour Cream Pork Chops, then halfway thru made Double-Baked Potatoes so that they both just nice same timing finish cooking. Heehee.

By the time im done with both dishes, its around 5pm alreadi, so its like dinner time, and then i excitedly started tasting the food to see whether its well done anot. Hmms... in the end.. HOHOHO, i realised i am damn talented can? hahass! The pork chops is veri veri nice and tender, cooked to perfection and the potatoes, lets just say my brother and sisters cleared them up within minutes... hahahass!

But i still tink the recipes can be perfected further, because this time, the herb i used was thyme instead of bay leafs and maybe i can add some nutmeg to further enhance the taste. As for the potatoes, the onion taste is still quite strong, maybe i need to saute it in the pan rather then using the microwave? hmms...~~~

Anyways, here are the pictures of the 2 dishes i made todae :)
















SOUR CREAM PORK CHOPS


















DOUBLE-BAKED POTATOES


Heehee, looks abit gross i tink, but still, looks can be deceiving! :)

And so, learning to cook is good, cause i always try to cook food with lots of love and affection. Cooking with love always make the food taste that bit nicer. :) And therefore, im going to look for more recipes to experiment with, and be a home-grown chef. hahass!

Jason's Famous Quotes : Talents are within, skills are learnt.

Did You Know : Cooking is realli fun. Hohos, especially when the product is nice. :)

Nightly Nights

The night has always held a special meaning for me. Im more a night person and i simply love the stillness of the night. Nights in different city has different personalities, metropolitan nights seems sleek and posh with the dreams of every urban inhabitant feeling the atmosphere as they go to sleep. Whereas in the more laidback places i've been, the nights there are tranquil and inspiring, after a hard day's work at the fields, the fatigue of the day seems to float pass u riding on the cooling winds.

One of the more memorable nights for me was during my trip to japan 3 yrs ago. I happen to be in toyko for the last day of my japan trip, and i went out for a walk around my hotel around 12am. The city seems almost deserted as compared to the morning rush, and as i looked up the sky with the cold wind brushing through my hair, i saw the moon. I know we see the moon almost every night, but to me, every country has it's own moon view, therefore, i made myself a veri funny pact.

Im going to travel the world and see how the moon looks from different lands. :) I know its dumb lah, but i when i gaze upon the moon, i wonder whether the one i love is also gazing upon the moon at the same time. The tranquility of the night brings out a peace in me that is never found at other times, the cold night winds instills a calm in me which escalates me to a very emotional state. Therefore, silent and cold nights are guaranteed catalyst for a super romantic me. The best and quietest me happens on raining nights, rain also brings out another emotional state in me, i simply love rains. hahass.

So you see, im more towards the nights and rain aspects. Normal guys like the mornings and the sunny days, but i dun kw why, i just have preference for the contrary. Another thing about rain is that it brings out increased levels of courage and endurance in me, i dun understand why also.
Im much more deadly when its raining, hahass. :P

All in all, i tink i function especially well in temperate climates. So since Singapore is a tropical country, i suspect im not functioning at my optimum level... :x LOLX! So you people kw i have lots of dreams rite? Yep, after my dream of getting rich starts to become true, im dying to show someone what i meant by nightscapes of different cities.... U know, sort of bring that special someone to countries, then huggle up and enjoy the differing tranquility of the various cities. Hurhur~~~

But well, lets come back to reality, first thing first, i gonna realli find a way to earn some good money so that i can go overseas for a holiday. Then next target is to bring my mum to hong kong because she realli wanna go back there to take a look ( she lived there before she married my father, and yes, she is a singaporean. ). Shopping is her own money lah, travelling and other stuffs i pay lors~~~ :)

Flashing back, i realize this entry has alot of details on my preference for nights and rains. hahas! But its also quite true to say that im a romantic yet self-depressing person. Lonely nights and cold rain anybody? They are all stuffs that portrays depression, but to me, they hold different meanings. Tada, tat's all for the day. ^_^

Jason's Famous Quotes : Romance of the Velvet-Ebon Night.

Did You Know ? : The later the nights, the more empowered the emotions.

Kruger

Gastronomy is my new infatuation. After watching Witch Yoo-Hee, im quite set to learn culinary skills. Hahass, im actually quite interested in cooking initially, and after watching the show, was inspired to cook. Heehee, was surfing through recipes online and since my mum dun allow beef at home, i shall start with pork chops. :)

Monday i will go to the supermarket and get some ingredients for the pork chops. It will cost maybe around $20 bucks and hopefully it will be successful. I tink guys that can cook are great and i respect ppl like jaymie oliver ( dun kw spell correctly anot, its tat british young chef. ). Imagine in future, u can cook a storm out from the kitchen for the ones u love, and the satisfaction when u see them loving what u have made for them... wooo... lolx.

My new mattress came yesterday and i realised its thicker then my previous mattress. Its super comfy and i realli dun mind spending the extra cash on it. hohohoh! Packed half my room as well and its quite clean alreadi, the other half will have to wait for me to shop for new furniture when i have the cash first. hahahas!

As for my room, i will try to hang more chinese calligraphy around to create the 'cheena zen' atmosphere so that my room will look better. I do think about getting some transparent fibre-glass furnishings but coming back to reality, i am not rich. -.-"" Okies, enough about my room. :)

I thought of this chinese phrase all of a sudden. Maybe i copy it here to show u ppl ba. :)

你可以是人才，
可能是天才，
可是你没有钱财，
你就是废材。

Hahasss, its true rite? In present society, without money, u are nothing. Like what most people say, Cash Is King. With cash, everybody will respect u, especially in a practical country like singapore. If u are rich, u will not be forced to do something u dun like because u can sue their ass off. Justice is blind they say, but i say justice is just a balanced scale between morality and financial prowess. Moral implications can easily be overwritten with money, though social pressure can escalate morality above currency occasionally.

An example is the NKF incident, everything is under wraps and was covered up with money initially. But after the case was uncovered, the social pressure compelled the 'garmen' to take the 'correct' action. In the first place, the 'garmen' is known to be all-knowing and even minor details hardly ever escaped them, so are we realli certain that noone knows about the scam?

And so, i believe justice is a balanced scale in modern society. The justice we know todae and the traditional justice we have came to embrace so warmly is 2 veri different school of thoughts. Traditional justice is metted out by unseen forces that we call 'heaven'/god. Its justified by things like karma/retribution. Whereas modern justice is metted out by humans sitting inside a concrete infrastructure. Though it may seem confusing, but the point is that justice might have a trace of perversion within.

End of entry, too tired to continue, lolx. My theory of thoughts can continue and chain to other thoughts, but fatigue is currently my greatest enemy......hohoho....

Jason's Famous Quotes : There is only one true resource in the world. Money.

Did You Know ? : Everything is possible in dreams and in love.

Deliverance

Things normalized quite abit these days. Was on a down period the other day, anyways having a private blog is quite good also, somewhere i can realli say what i want. hurhur

I sort of remembered that we need to take things as they come, no matter what, just let nature do its magic, no point going all sad and expect things to turn out better. Though we both dun say it, i truly believe she knows how i feel, i just know she know. So if ya know what im toking about, lets take it slow. :)

Been watching lots of korean stuff on crunchyroll.com these days. I've just finished watching The Art of Fighting, which is a korean movie about fighting, both physical and mental. Throughout all our lives, we are always fighting, fighting to get better grades, fighting for a better tomolo, so ya, its quite inspirational. But my mainstream obsession is still WITCH YOO-HEE!

Jeremy introed me to this hilarious korean drama about this gal that is the director of an advertising company that dresses only in black and white. She's a big meanie and bosses people around. When a silly guy who aspires to become a french chef comes into her life accidentally, things started to get a little spice. hohohoho!

The female lead is Han Ga In, she is the ultimate expressionism of my dream gal. Having sweet looks that u can get diabetes from, a wonderful smile that can hypnotize... tat's wat im toking about man! And one thing i realised is, huimin looks almost like her, so now i know where my female preferences stem from. hohohoho!

The male lead isnt that good looking, but there's this character called Johnny Kruger that is a famous french chef who likes Yoo-Hee ( Han Ga In) alot. He's an actor called Dennis Oh in real life. The charisma, the stature and the aura that he eludes is what i wanna become, but i know lah, its kinda hard cause its reel-life leh, drama only. hahass...

Alrite, for those that wanna watch this drama, go crunchyroll and search for witch yoo-hee, its nice and its a new drama. I know its damn new, because i went to VCD shops to search for it and its not even in singapore yet. hmph... -.-""

Life todae is simple, woke up in the afternoon and went to taman jurong mega-mattress to buy a good mattress. I bought a good mattress because kuku advised me to buy a good one, because its a worthwhile investment. thks kuku! And so after the mattress, i went to UOB at jurong point to start a campus acct and apply for a campus debit card. I got a cheque book for free, but i dun tink im going to write a cheque anything soon man... 0.0"

And since im writing about todae, might as well write about what im going to do tomolo rite? rite. Tomolo will be trying hard to kick-start my regime again after slacking for so long, and then the rest of the day will be researching some stuffs for ah-wei, didnt do much these 2 days and i promised to get back to him with a list by 2 days time. lolx, i kw, i sucked, but i definitely will come up with a good proposal tomolo. Im a last minute man, but though im last minute, i do my stuffs well. ^_^V

And before i go, gotta introduce u ppl to my perma-repeat new song, Jay's newest song for his self-directed drama "Bu Neng Shuo De Mi Mi" or Unspeakable Secret. The song name is the same as the drama title, and its damn nice. Initially it starts with some basic piano playing and u will be like "is this a kid's song?", but as the song goes on, u realised its veri nice and meaningful. Go listen to it, u will lurve it. :)

Jason's Famous Quotes : Thou Shall Not Overly Care For A Gal.

Did You Know? : Korean actress are very pretty, something is very fishy.... :P

Tetracycline

Its those low confidence periods again. Im starting to feel inferior all over again, its like im inferior to other guys out there. Fat, ugly, useless, poor, stupid and lazy, how bad can it get? I only know how to get lost in music and conceive foolish fantasies, so wat if i keep singing? Can it get me somewhere? And even if i get my studies right, does it realli means a bright future? What sparked all these u ask? Its just that somethings just dun feel right sometimes.

There's a lot on my mind that i wanna jot down here, but i kw i cant, simply because if i wrote it all here, its damn bloody obvious and the repercussions are going to be too hard for me to handle. And im starting to feel some people like to take other people for granted, they only look for u when they need something, beside that, they're just gone from ur life. I dun like that kinda feeling, its like u're some sort of tool, fuck that.

Im tinking of starting a totally separate blog to realli put down my feelings, especially pertaining to the emotional department. I realli wanna pen down names and how i realli feel without restrain, because sometimes things just seems so heavy and u need to unload. Its not like i dun have frens, but most of them just dun listen. And the few that truly listens are far and few between. Im quite lost sometimes infact, those people i call my buddies are those that shrug my stuffs aside and dun listen to me. When they need a listening ear, im there to listen, yet when i needed one, none is available. Its sad, realli sad. Or maybe its just that im just another weak whiner, so maybe they just dismiss me as another dumb fellow.

Sometimes its better not to dig up stuffs that u have buried for sometime, because u might not be able to handle what u manage to dig up. Its funny how sometimes the shits u dig up still holds that kind of despair that has managed to eluded u for sometime. Its like a virus that u quarantined up for a nearly a year, and when u dig into ur heart, u managed to release it once again. The uncertainty and self-doubt that ensues is realli heart-wrenching to the point u have to unload it on a blog. Yes, its that bad.

Pardon me for turning my blog into a desperate final means of venting what is kept inside me, but its realli the onli resort that i have. I tink i should go start another blog, cannot tahan le, i need to write what i realli feel. Thanks for reading this crap anyways.

Jason's Famous Quotes : Hope propels despair.

Did You Know ? : Stupidity is self-wrought.

Clarity

Well, after yesterday, i made a decision to do something. Was out till quite late yesterday after skool, so i have lots of time to tink about stuffs on the mrt. I guess i have chosen to commit to something that might possibly be a failure, but if i dun try, i will definitely regret it. Confirmed, i dun wanna regret again... regrets hurts much more then rejection. :)

After pondering for sometime, i came to a conclusion that some time is needed before i do anything silly. I dun tink its the right time now to do what im going to do, so im gonna let nature takes its own course first. If its mine, it will be mine, if it's not to be, then its never gonna be. So please god, bless that things go well this time, i realli realli wanna do this right this time.

Okies, those that understand what i meant from the above paragraph should know wat im toking about. And no, its not about my obsession, and an obsession will always stay an obsession, sorts of like an eye candy, its never gonna take over my heart and soul. But well, i can offer my heart and soul, but whether i will be given the same is another issue altogether...

Ks, enough mushy and silly stuffs, shall change subject to my singing. heehee, nowadays im practicing Wang Li Hong's 'Ni Bu Zai' because its a song that needs lots of technique to be performed properly. Its on perma-repeat on my computer to optimize the 'mental inscription' process. lolx. Saturday im going to sing with my primary skool frens, who are mostly good singers, so i gotta prepare wat i wanna sing then. hahass! kiasu rite? :P

Next week MAYBE im going to Genting with nich and ah tan they all, but it all boils down to whether i have enough cash to go anot. lolx. I wished i could bring a 'bird' there, but she needs to be over 21 yrs old then can go... -.-"".... Well anyways when she's 21 maybe i will be rich enough to go taiwan alreadi. HURHUR! Okies, dun digress, lets get back to todae's events.

Played mahjong with nich xuanhe and meiting for nearli the whole day till 8 plus in the evening. I won the most again! ( This few weeks si beh heng ah!) i won $18 bucks, xuanhe won $16 and nich won $6. Poor meiting lost $40 sia... made us feel damn guilty winning her money especially me, because im the one tat called her to play mahjong with us -.-.... gosh... im damn guilty man... Worse is she dun realli kw how to play beri well, so that sorts of adds more to the guilt. I tink if its eugene, we will definitely be happy to win his money because he looks like a God Of Fortune anyways. LOLX!

Sunday most prob will be playing again, so wish me luck ppl! If i win, GENTING HERE I COME! hurhur~~~

Jason's Famous Quotes : Time proves everything. If its meant to be, it will be.

Did You Know ? : Its been sometime since i last dug up what has been buried for nearly 1 yr.

Subtle Affection

Im a complex person, contrary to what i tot initially. I always tot im a simple person and i believe in simple happiness, but i realised that i am not tat simple after all. I wish im a simpleton that isnt that simple because being too simple is too simple for my own good. understand? Nevermind.

Things have been making me crazy mentally these days. The reservist issue is hopefully resolved after i consulted with my MP ytd. Financially im surprisingly quite stable with SOME excess nowadays. Will be TRYING to save up enough so that i can either go taiwan or start investing by the next holidays.

I preach simplicity, yet i dun think simplicity. I want a simple relationship, but i cant stop tinking about complications after witnessing alot of unhappy incidents that happened to my frens. I just wanna love and care for someone without any complex issues, is it that difficult? I know its dumb to say that because its like wanting a perfect relationship which is not possible, but i will try my best, is it tat hard? Sometimes maturity and fantasy counteracts to such an extent that u wouldnt even contemplate experimenting. That's why i say, life sucks, take drugs. haiz... There's someone i care for yet i dun kw what to do, and no, its not my obsession im toking about. Gosh, im damn obvious. -.-

Okies, new skool term, new modules, new headaches. A good point to note is new ppl, the mediacorp actress ezann lee is my classmate in commercial law, not that its a big hooha, but its just that its kinda rare to have a celebrity for a classmate. And i saw the infamous pervert from the 38th batch that used to terrorize gals in his class, and well, he does look like a perv. Im damn kaypoh and keep asking kuku to show me who tat dumb fellow was. lolx! And the discoloration of people continues in my eyes, looks seems to fade into nothingness slowly and im getting bored of looking at gals. Yesh, u heard rite, i am BORED of looking at gals. And i dun even look at guys, so im not turning gay, no worries. :)

Im more interested in my studies this semester, simply because i failed my a module for the first time in my 24 yrs of life. I NEVER EVER failed a subject/ module before, so this is realli a 1st. Realized as i went along, the code of conduct that i made for myself have faded in priority, i am supposed to STUDY, not relive POLY SLACKING DAYS! So yesh, this sem will be refocusing my efforts on my studies, they are more important things then other mundane stuffs. In my life, there's now a few top most priorities, which includes studying, mahjonging, gaming , learning the market, conceptualizing business ideas, planning to travel and last but not least, earning money to fund the above endeavours. =.="

And lastly, as a ending paragraph, i have a few golden words for myself in future if i made the wrong decision and would like to review my life from my blog. "What is virtual can be real if reality is brave enough to face possibilities. Without the hesitant facets of life, there cannot be an authentic form of bliss. Remember that no matter what happens or what route u take, u will eventually reach the end, and no matter how long the night, the sun will always inevitably rise."

Jason's Famous Quotes : Courage is the trademark of a true man.

Did You Know? : Some people like to dig a deep shit hole, and then jump in themselves.