Numbness seems to be flooding me le. Hmph, todae is the 7th day she never spoke to me.
18 days more to go b4 contract expiry and the end of our story. I wish tat the contract would never end though, lolx, simply because of her. But we have to move on out lives, and in the end, im just a passerby in her life. lolx... i tink she likes her one of her senior ba, but i dun tink tat guy's a good guy though. Its my gut feeling although i never met tat guy. hahass :P (SOUR GRAPES)

Well well well, its seems the vicious cycle is repeating itself again, look at the entry 1 yr ago.. hmm, it seems eeriely similar... oh gosh, am i realli cursed? hahass :P
But look at it tis way ba, IF she was mine, and i pissed her off, most prob we wouldnt last a week ya? but i dun realli kw wat sorta of girlfrend she will be because i will never get her ba. :)

Sadness when driven to the end, will always result in a special sort of happiness tat u nvr find anywhere. Its the happiness tat is derived from despair and hopelessness. Its a happiness tat makes u smile at ur computer screen. Its a happiness tat makes the world seems small and non-existent. Im happy now, realli happi. I have never smiled a tear before, and the feeling is so strange, u smile at the screen, and u feel a sort of watever-u-do-is-not-enough feeling.

She's online now, and lets put it tat we didnt speak to each other ba. I dun kw wat to do, except to ignore the world. Let the world excommunicate me ba, im so happi anyways. Nothing else matters, as long as i can smile with a tear....

She's angry. veri angry. Although it seems she's angry over something silly and small, but she have been ignoring me for the past 2 days. I realli feel miserable, yet i kw its not simply because of wat i said. It has been too one-sided right from the start, i got to kw yet another fault in my personality. Ironically it was told to me by someone else rather then tinking about it myself.
I guess in the end, u cant realli see wat's wrong with urself. There's y we need frends, they're there to pinpoint and tell u where u erred.

Sometimes i tink i whine too much, and didnt realli made effort to correct wat is wrong. I onli kw how to be sweet and stuffs and say honeyed words, yet all these are just superficial stuffs. As a guy, one should not whine, a guy needs to kw wat he wants, and then carry on with life with a goal in life. Yes, i do agree people need to whine sometimes, yet how many realli do something about the problem? Problems need solution, and whining is not a solution. I whine tat i dun do same shifts with her, i whine tat she dun appreciate me, i whine tat i did tis and that sweet things and yet there's no return. But did i realised tat i did all those with a motive in mind? I just want her to be mine, and tat's being selfish, realli selfish. What about her feelings? ever considered her feelings? I didnt.

Although i still dun kw the real reason why she's so angry, maybe its realli because of the small thing tat i said earlier. But tis incident exposed another critical error in me which i have to change. Im just not prepared yet. I still have 1 mth to prepare myself, not to try to make her mine, (im just not ready for her now) but to change myself for the better.

And my mind and soul just received a new experience 2 days ago. When u tried to apologise to
someone infront of the lift infront of so many people, she simply told u 'i just cant be bothered'
and walked away ignoring u. Tat feeling carries an indescribable grieve and guilt. I did something tat is past redemption and apology. U just wanna die on the spot, and my heart just bled, it realli bled. Till now, it continues to bleed from the wound.
And on the way home, she toked to sebastian thruout the journey on the bus, she continued to ignore me and i was just behind her, she kws im looking at her, yet she continues to ignore me.
I realli dun kw wat i did so seriously wrong, I realli feel miserable and guilty. The feeling is worse
when tat person is someone u like. Its tat kind of u-wanna-cry-yet-u-cant-cry feeling. Do u understand?

.HURT.

.PAIN.

.DECEIT.

.DEAD.

I realli dun kw where to start. There are some things that i should not be saying, but im realli trying veri hard to seal it in. Im verbal by nature, and now im starting to keep things to myself.
The reason is veri simple, im simply hooked. In life, there's nothing more important to me then relationships, be it family or love or frends, i look upon these as the fundamentals of my life.
Being emotional is not a mistake, its not a weakness, im not going to change tat fact. I always brain-fuck myself, i totally agree with that. Everyone have something that keeps them going, and for me its love.

I can do endless things with love, yet things always seems to go the wrong way sometimes. I can continue to bluff myself, yet i kw wat is going on. Im confident, but tat seems a tad too over sometimes, sometimes changes are not realli for the better, its just the perspective tat u view someone. I cannot pin-point wat i feel and write it here, because im supposed to learn to keep things to myself. Someone once said i have a weak personality, is that true? I kw july i will be starting school le, i onli have 1 mth left till then, people tell me i have plenty of girls in SIM waiting for me, but do these people kw tat its realli hard to find someone tat realli suits u? Im beginning to understand a phrase 'the one u love the most will never love u the most' . Things dun seem tat bad, but i always believe in my instincts and feelings.

All along i always thought sincerity can go a long way, but its realli not true de, around me people have been telling me tat being sincere is nice, in the end, those people tat get good girls are people tat aint sincere at all. Im brain-fucking myself as i have said b4, but im realli tired, the whole week i've been working the morning shift. I've not been sleeping well because im waiting for someone to tok with online, yet im starting to feel tat im disturbing her.

Being sweet doesnt mean u're a nice guy and ppl have to accept u. Most prob she accepts wat u do for her because she just cant be bothered to tell u to screw-off. Im not supposed to want any returns when im being nice, because im supposed to be sincere, yet on the other hand, wat happens when tat special someone dun realli reprocicate? Yes, the 'thks' was there, wat else do
i expect right? I realli dun kw, but i realised tat in the end, im still the low confident guy tat i was in the past.

Y cant god be fair to me? Im just a whiner in the end, whining at the heavens and god for not being fair to me. Yes, i seem veri dramatic and have alot of patterns, yet who kws the solitude in me? The void in my soul? Noone, absolutely noone, not even my bestest buddy. I used to have people i can tok to over the phone. But they have alreadi left me long ago. Even my bestest buddy doenst seem so good anymore, we have grown up, and our tinkings differ. Im making people around me sick and tired of my whining, i tried to shut up, but they realised im diffrent and asked me wat happened... Is this realli wat i am? someone that whines and pisses people off? I tink I know there's someone, a someone tat wishes tat im doing all these for her, yet i realli onli have 'her' in my heart rite now. Im keeping quiet on the full details.

I realised tat she have suddenly became hot property, because she 'upgraded' herself, yet does she kw, tat i have liked her from the start? when she's just her? Just the basic her? I kw other guys are actually saying she's sweet-looking, but have they ever used their heart to view her as her? Im afraid, realli afraid, afraid tat i cannot stop the inevitable. I kw her heart have someone else from the past, yet im realli trying veri hard to feel tat position. I can feel it, yet i dun kw wat that someone did to her tat made her wat she is todae. The lock is starting to open abit i kw, yet i still need more time to open the lock, and yet time, ironically, is wat im lacking now.

Im still doing my 'project' right now, i guess i the end i wont give it to her as a reminder of our sweet start.
Im going to give it to her as a parting gift . . . a reminder of me, the guy that sincerely loved her.

Jason---> tinking too much.

Tanning, that's wat im going to do tomolo. hahass.. tml wake up then wash up abit, then head down to jurong east go tan. muahaha, hopefully i dun become a lobster ba. lolx :P
todae was supposed to go singing with the 'world cup' team de, but they last min backed out.
sebas say till got dragon got tiger, in the end still cancel lor, he's damn dumb. hahass..

Well well well, i've been training this few weeks, and i can see marked improvement in my speed and strenght. My fists are always burning after training, and that's good, means i realli did put in some effort. alritey, and now i realli have to praise myself for persevering for more then 1 mth, cause tis is the first time i didnt break off the determination to train. ^_^. Normally im damn lazy de, but now im damn religious in terms of training, simply because of someone. hahass :P

Im happy now, happy in a mature sort of way. The happiness is taken with a pinch of salt, because happiness might turn into tragedy. I realli cant read wat is going on now, im just going along with the flow. CHILL. . . Tis few days i've been getting quite close to llyod, hahass, he's one great guy, got looks although abit short, yet still among the better looking ones. Llyod isnt realli tat short, not like someone i kw :P, SHORT FARK. muahaha! (but im a FAT FARK...)
but the thing is, fat can train to lose weight, but short can NEVER grow tall. *EVIL GRIN*

Times have changed and i just realised my taste has changed too. hahass. I just realised wat a great change i had in terms of taste and likings. ^_^ . Wat changes i wont say, but still, i realli did changed, its the damn first time i realli did soemthing for someone i like, rather then tok tok and more tok. IM THE MAN. 0.0
I also realised tat some ppl might look good, but they are just fark-up ppl after all. There's tis girl in my office, a frend of mine was interested in her, but she instantly condemned him with no valid reasons. i mean, wtf? u look good then can condemn ppl? she dun even speak with him lor, i initially tot she was a kind and friendly person, but after the event with my frend, she totally turned me off. zzz she tinks she's some sort of pretty gal tat guys will die over her, yet she's too dumb to realise tat she totally failed personality-wise. DUMB GAL. She can NEVER hold a candle to 'her'. 'She's' the best! hee hee... :P

I will never ever cut my hair at a malay barber ever again...
kaoz, nin a ma, tat stewpid malay guy cut my hair till i look like a dog...
c buay sianz, now need to wait for the stupid hair to grow long then can cut again, i realli look like a dog now lor. Anyway hair aside, its been some time since i blogged. The reason being tat im doing somethings nowadays, something tat i have nvr done b4. EVER.

life's fine and dandy these days, i have came to accept that im going to leave earlier then the other guys and gals in starhub. Reason being tat im going to SIM and skool starts on the first week of july. I realli hope i will study well because i didnt realli put in effort in my studies all these 23 yrs. My hope now is to get the top student in SIM and hopefully get a good job after graduation. The fees are not cheap in SIM and i kw it, because i personally handed the 5.4k for 1 semester over at the payment counter. -.-"

Im not going to tok much about my love life nowadays, simply because i've learnt to be low profile. Love is not something to advertise to ppl, not to show how romantic or noble u are. Love is about 2 person. That's it, just 2 person and noone else. In the past im naive and childish, i tot telling ppl about wat i did for her and wat i went thru for her will show how noble and devoted i am. That was so dumb, i finally understand y im single for 23 yrs. Everyday im learning something new now. There's someone who can realli educate me, because she kws so much tat i dun. i realli enjoy toking to her, simply because she showed me a part of me tat was lost during sec school.

Life is like a fleeting image, every second tat we go thru, we can never get that second back again. But the thing about time is this, it will always remain inprinted in us for yrs to come.
There's alot time can do, or should i say there's nothing time cant do.
I can conclude that in the end, the true god is Time or Chronos as the greek call it.
Nothing can escape the grasp of time. Absolutely nothing.

Mission 1: Cut hair (My hair SUCK)
Mission 2: Increase Training Toughness (When the going gets tough, the tough gets going...)
Mission 3: Hit my target of 8 punches per second (Fight like the wind baby...)
Mission 4: CLASSIFIED (TOP SECRET)

okie, so tat's for todae. all these 4 missions will commence with effect tomolo. Dun bother asking me bout mission 4, its classified. period.

The reason im blogging now is because my stewpid sister is hogging the toilet. she takes AGES to bath lor. zzzz, anyways, ytd i went MOS, and guess who i saw there? weichee... lolx... i didnt realli dress up ytd, cause i went there straight from work, and i was actually hoping tat u-kw-who would take the mrt home cause i could have some time to tok to her, and well well well, fate played me out and her dad came to fetch her... wtf? hahass, anyways im getting used to tis sort of thing, cause like i said, i woke up. I like her still, yet im not obsessed with her, i may speak about her and tink about her, yet i dun breathe her. get the idea dude?

MOS was boring, realli boring for me at least, cause well, my mind wasnt realli concentrating on having fun, hahass, im tinking bout some veri veri serious stuffs, something tat i shouldnt be tinking about.. zzz.. Its a sin, a realli big sin. Im not going to illustrate on tat thought, because its too immoral. :P... The gals at MOS are the typical prototype, so its realli boring, all wear little clothes, then dance and try to act hot, but im like --> DUH, u're not even close to u-know-who lor... Then there's tis auntie who is serene's frend, and she's like 40 plus and PURSOSELY go shake butt infront of vincent.. LOLX... we were on the dance floor and vincent was like utterly turned off. HAHAHAHASSSS its so farking funny tinking bout it.. DAMN ITS FUNNY.. LOLX
then on the cab on the way home, vincent was recounting to me how disgusted he was.. lolx..
but i was also quite dumb lah, we were dancing and i unknowingly backed up towards the a 'waterfall' decoration, hence i was drenched.. = ="" knn ah wei and vincent was laughing their heads off lor, EVIL* frends...

MOS was realli a place full of veri different ppl, i saw a singh with a turban, a uncle dancing ago-go with trance music, a girl who is cup A-minus and wears tube which she keep pulling it up, a few she-males, a few aunties shaking fats, a group of underage guys trying to act cool ( totally lose to me, cause i was like slacking on the chair and am DAMN COOL :P) and a few dumb farks
tat totally didnt kw wat they were doing.. hahass.. its fun when u're ppl watching and tinking how good u-know-who is compared to those girls there. Looks wise she might not win hands down, but to me, she's perfect. hahass :p

fark man, i need to bath. i tink i go bath ba. farked up, im going to kill my sis! BRB

梦非梦，实非实，

红尘一撇，辨真实。

他非他，我非我，

人若清醒，苍天笑。

缘非缘，份非份，

幽风落叶，伴黄昏。

蓝新翔 --- 五月 四日 零六年

Wake up. That's wat i need to do. Im always slinking into that stupid dream again. I keep daydreaming about going how far and how far when i havent even stepped out. That's so damn dumb of me. veri veri dumb. People around me are getting sick and tired of me, tat's wat i tink.
They want me to wake up, yet im like caught in a strange and recurring dream tat is so hard to wake up from. Im always like tis, i always tink too far when it comes to gals i realli like, im just a farking dreamer tat always tok too much. Right now im still stuck in this phrase and im actually not supposed to blog this shit out, yet im too pissed with myself tat i have to put tis down.

I kinda read thru my entire blog 2 days ago, and i realised i learnt alot about myself tat i have never known. 2 days ago was 2nd of may, i went back and checked out my entry on the 2nd of may last yr, and i realised i was realli so damn dumb, yet at tat moment, i didnt saw how silly it was. The only ppl tat realli understands love is blind, they dun use their eyes to judge ppl, they judge using their hearts. Im beginning to understand tat, yet i cannot fully comprehend tat fact.
Looks are realli primary in my pursuits, i tried to lie to myself tat i realli like how she is and wat she is, tat was realli so dumb. She's above average and fits my bill, hence im interested, yet she herself kws the fact tat i dun realli like who she realli is.

I've realised wat she meant by un-compatible was realli referring to my mentality and motive for wooing her. 2 of my guy frends in starhub had a conversation with me tat day, and i realised tat i tink realli differently from them. Im not a fark-and-go person, maybe im naive, maybe im childish, but i just cant do wat they want me to. Is a fark-and-go attitude realli the gist of maturity? When u go after a girl onli wanting to lay her?

The problem with me is i farking listen to too much emotional songs, i farking hell am too sentimental and i tink too much, i always imagine tis and tat, till i myself am lost in my own fantasy world. I finally saw wat fark things i have been doing, yet can i change? Is it too late?
I might seem confident, yet deep within me, im realli a veri weak person. Im proud most of the times, yet when it comes to relationships, im veri veri insecure. I say tat im tis and im tat, yet did i realli do those things? WILL i realli do those things given the situation? I always tell sebas and the others wat i WOULD do for her, but WILL i realli do those stuffs? FARK ME MAN.

Im just another farking loser on the block, and i sort of wanna change tat. My attitude is damn lousy, my determination is rubbish. Im 23yrs old, and i need to grow up, grow up fast.
My msn title is also full of shit, i ALWAYS farking hell put wat i feel on msn, its so farking obvious and it goes to show tat im a man with no depth. Happy or not, keep the shit to urself and onli let them out to maybe a few ppl, dun need to go around telling the whole farktart world who the fark u like or wat the hell u feel. Ah wei and richard were right, they were my best frends tat have been with me for like 10yrs plus and i KNOW they're right.

In the end of the whole thing, i realised tat the realli fucked up one was me all along. Its like shouting murder and im the actual murderer. Now, before i actually go and like someone, i need to do some catching up with myself. I need to catch up with the real jason, the one tat was realli infront all along, im just his shadow, always choosing to lie behind him. This all started with huimin i guess, from then on it went on the peifen and then jiayan then corinne, and now finally adeline. Im sorri, not sorri for wat i did, but sorri for wat i turned out to be. I will never regret wat i did in the past, i do not have time for regrets, my time needs to be used for catching up as i said, to catch up with the real JASON...

Jason --- 4th MAy --- 大测大吾。。。。

Its been 2 days. Silence continues. I realli cannot apprehend even after pondering for 2 days.
Dark clouds surround me. The wind chills, and despair beckons. My arrogance and confidence drained. Im like a zombie. Im happy, its only on the surface. I've learnt to keep things to myself.
Noone kws how i feel. Im lost, my soul is lost. How many more days can i survive like this?
I have to put out a brave front. i dun want her to kw. I ignore, i avoid, in the end, the throbbing pain is getting unbearable. Maybe i shouldnt have started in the first place. By decree of the heavens above, im not suppose to love? everything in life is going reverse. Im naive. Im childish. Im too emotional. Im too sincere. God made sincerity a sin for me. Sincerity is a sin. a huge huge sin.....