The Unsung Angel
Been studying abit these days. Going to skool, studying in library. I was down todae, because of a event. Lets just keep it under wraps shall we, i realli hope im wrong, and things are not as i thought.Im not one to be bothered much with the intricacies of examinations. Read up, practice, go in, come out, wait for results. The usual and all-so-familiar steps i have taken from young till now. Wait, the read up and practice part, maybe just in Uni ba, in poly i simply walk in.
Plagued with despair and quiet unsettlement, life isnt that great to me these weeks. Its hard trying to eek out a sensible life, much less amidst all these daily mechanics. Financially im tight, cant work much due to exams, therefore im currently in the 'trough'.
I asked somebody online whether im a good person, simply because im starting to doubt myself. In fact, im starting to doubt the purpose in life itself. Isn't life itself just a fleeting image? And on a more solemn note, people will leave you, no matter you like it or not. Your loved ones and frends, people around you traverse a perpetual cycle of fate, where when the final entanglement between your threads of fate ends, they leave. I know its kinda deep, but give it some thought, abeit it sounds abit dark.
When im young, around 6 yrs old, i used to think my grandfather will be there for me all the while. He was the one who dotes on me the most, and even though im veri young, i can feel it. He always brought me to the bird park and the zoo, which explains why i feel like going to those places again just to try to relive those moments. I thought things would be fine and dandy, and i will be by his side all the way.
Slowly as i grew up, i find that i speak less to him. As i go about pursuing my studies and daily life, the time spent with him reduced a great deal. And he still gives me money to buy stuffs whenever he came to see me ( my grandpa is rich and drives a mercedes benz), though i dun realli tok much with him. As the years progresses, my grandpa is diagnosed with alzhemier's.
He cant drive to come visit me anymore, and i naturally at that time, the option to go visit him did not occur to me. The only visits were on sundays when my dad is free. I see my grandpa like twice or once a month. And everytime i see him, he seems more and more changed. He starts to forget people and things. Initially he will still smile when he sees us, but as the days progressed, he eventually just sat there and stared into the blank space.
I was still immature and young then, so i dun realli understand the full extent of things. Bit by bit, he lost his usual mental abilities, and deep within, im actually losing bit by bit of my grandfather without knowing it. No tears flowed through this period, as i said i didnt realli understand the extend of things. And then, one night, my mum rushed into my room and told me the grim news: my grandpa had left us.
My dad rushed us to my grandfather's house, and there, i saw the face of person that loves me the most, pale and devoid of life. I went over and held his ice-cold hand, silently whispering beside his ear, telling him to wake up. I told him this in khek(the hakka language), "grandpa, im ah xiang, wake up, im here alreadi.", which obviously doenst help at all. I didnt shed any tears at all, infact i was quite shaken deep inside, but curiously no tears flowed.
The ice-cold hand i held during those moments, made me think of the contrast between the warm and strong hands i held with my little hands when i was young, and how cold it was at that moment. And then i just sat in the living room till morning, not uttering a single word at all, and no, im not tired, i just dun kw what to say. And yes, still no tears.
And then came the funeral. It went pass quite fast i remember, and i was surprisingly vibrant and can still smile at people. I went thru all the rites, and then came the day when we took to bus to the crematorium. Once i got on the bus, i started to feel something leaking out of my heart in trickles. And through the entire bus ride, i kept realli quiet, even when other kids tok to me, i didnt answer, as the feeling got stronger.
My grandfather eventually was pushed into the fire, and everybody around me started crying loudly. Still i kept mum. And then when i got up the bus taking us back, everything spilled out. My tears flowed uncontrollably and i just kept crying till i finally fell asleep. I have never cried so much in all my years alive, and i dun care if a man is not supposed to cry, i just unloaded everything there and then.
My grandfather taught me one final lesson even after he left me, that is nothing in this world is absolute, so always cherish people you have around you now. People can never be with people forever, they come and go like the wind. So either you cherish whatever time you have with them now, or you simply ignore everybody and lock yourself away.
Okays, its getting abit long lah this entry, so i shall be ending here. I feel much better now, i guess bloggin has its benefits after all. Oh ya, i found a place to keep people i love forever, and that place is called 'Heart'. My grandfather will serve to guide me on how to love and cherish my loved ones, never to lose sight of them no matter how busy i am when i go out to work. =)
