The Unsung Angel

Been studying abit these days. Going to skool, studying in library. I was down todae, because of a event. Lets just keep it under wraps shall we, i realli hope im wrong, and things are not as i thought.

Im not one to be bothered much with the intricacies of examinations. Read up, practice, go in, come out, wait for results. The usual and all-so-familiar steps i have taken from young till now. Wait, the read up and practice part, maybe just in Uni ba, in poly i simply walk in.

Plagued with despair and quiet unsettlement, life isnt that great to me these weeks. Its hard trying to eek out a sensible life, much less amidst all these daily mechanics. Financially im tight, cant work much due to exams, therefore im currently in the 'trough'.

I asked somebody online whether im a good person, simply because im starting to doubt myself. In fact, im starting to doubt the purpose in life itself. Isn't life itself just a fleeting image? And on a more solemn note, people will leave you, no matter you like it or not. Your loved ones and frends, people around you traverse a perpetual cycle of fate, where when the final entanglement between your threads of fate ends, they leave. I know its kinda deep, but give it some thought, abeit it sounds abit dark.

When im young, around 6 yrs old, i used to think my grandfather will be there for me all the while. He was the one who dotes on me the most, and even though im veri young, i can feel it. He always brought me to the bird park and the zoo, which explains why i feel like going to those places again just to try to relive those moments. I thought things would be fine and dandy, and i will be by his side all the way.

Slowly as i grew up, i find that i speak less to him. As i go about pursuing my studies and daily life, the time spent with him reduced a great deal. And he still gives me money to buy stuffs whenever he came to see me ( my grandpa is rich and drives a mercedes benz), though i dun realli tok much with him. As the years progresses, my grandpa is diagnosed with alzhemier's.

He cant drive to come visit me anymore, and i naturally at that time, the option to go visit him did not occur to me. The only visits were on sundays when my dad is free. I see my grandpa like twice or once a month. And everytime i see him, he seems more and more changed. He starts to forget people and things. Initially he will still smile when he sees us, but as the days progressed, he eventually just sat there and stared into the blank space.

I was still immature and young then, so i dun realli understand the full extent of things. Bit by bit, he lost his usual mental abilities, and deep within, im actually losing bit by bit of my grandfather without knowing it. No tears flowed through this period, as i said i didnt realli understand the extend of things. And then, one night, my mum rushed into my room and told me the grim news: my grandpa had left us.

My dad rushed us to my grandfather's house, and there, i saw the face of person that loves me the most, pale and devoid of life. I went over and held his ice-cold hand, silently whispering beside his ear, telling him to wake up. I told him this in khek(the hakka language), "grandpa, im ah xiang, wake up, im here alreadi.", which obviously doenst help at all. I didnt shed any tears at all, infact i was quite shaken deep inside, but curiously no tears flowed.

The ice-cold hand i held during those moments, made me think of the contrast between the warm and strong hands i held with my little hands when i was young, and how cold it was at that moment. And then i just sat in the living room till morning, not uttering a single word at all, and no, im not tired, i just dun kw what to say. And yes, still no tears.

And then came the funeral. It went pass quite fast i remember, and i was surprisingly vibrant and can still smile at people. I went thru all the rites, and then came the day when we took to bus to the crematorium. Once i got on the bus, i started to feel something leaking out of my heart in trickles. And through the entire bus ride, i kept realli quiet, even when other kids tok to me, i didnt answer, as the feeling got stronger.

My grandfather eventually was pushed into the fire, and everybody around me started crying loudly. Still i kept mum. And then when i got up the bus taking us back, everything spilled out. My tears flowed uncontrollably and i just kept crying till i finally fell asleep. I have never cried so much in all my years alive, and i dun care if a man is not supposed to cry, i just unloaded everything there and then.

My grandfather taught me one final lesson even after he left me, that is nothing in this world is absolute, so always cherish people you have around you now. People can never be with people forever, they come and go like the wind. So either you cherish whatever time you have with them now, or you simply ignore everybody and lock yourself away.

Okays, its getting abit long lah this entry, so i shall be ending here. I feel much better now, i guess bloggin has its benefits after all. Oh ya, i found a place to keep people i love forever, and that place is called 'Heart'. My grandfather will serve to guide me on how to love and cherish my loved ones, never to lose sight of them no matter how busy i am when i go out to work. =)

Click

Okie dokie, there's some pictures of the outing i was toking about with the poly dudes. They're below! =)















From left: Stuart, KC, Me, Kai Cheong, Wong.

















Everybody is the same, except this time round, Wong is taking the pic, and Botak took over his place. hahahss =)


You know, im starting to feel a little compelled. Things kinda stack inside me, and i can't freely type out whatever i feel. Maybe one day i will go completely crazy and type whatever fuck i like with no limitations. Fret not, im not toking about politics and all those things that possibly will put me behind bars. So for now, im still sane, and shall keep everything locked down. =)

Okays, i've been studying abit these 2 days, and i have like 1 week left to my first paper. I dun kw man, im abit emotionless about this exam, i dun kw why, just no feel for it. Sigh, ah well, leave it all up to fate ba, i study abit, then see how things go.

Leave it to fate. Sometimes it hard not to believe there is a greater power that is working behind the curtains. Every move we do is dictated in a way, and whatever barriers we meet, in fact paves the way for a future event. Therefore i realli believe in the sentence blessing in disguise, and bad things, are not bad after all.

Like i have always preached, things happen for a reason. And it is this belief that spurs me thru alot of tides in life. So technically, its like we're walking a predetermined path that we deem is of our own choosing. Its realli complex, but lets just leave it at that then, since its so complex. hahass =)

I always see things in a more mature light these days, i dun realli wanna get involved too much. No point lah, Hong Chen Lai Qu, Zhui Hou Ye Shi Yi Chang Kong. And no, up till now, i still dun tink the choice is wrong. I stick by my choice anytime anyday. 0.0"

I tink bright days are ahead, although im still kinda aimless now. I dun kw why bright lah, but i just feel its bright, get what i mean? Something good is going to happen, at least that's what i choose to believe. Hopefully i get some kinda windfall, cause i desperately need money to spruce up the shithole i call my room. sigh.

Oh, and on a final note, poetic justice. What comes around always goes around. Wait, i tink i toked bout this in the last entry didnt i? I tink i did, im too lazy to check lah, so will be signing off here. Jiayou for exams! (From me to myself, obviously. duh.)

And then the sky collapses...

Pardon me for the break in updating, im kinda busy these days. Busy as in im supposed to study, yet i went to do other stuffs. Haiz. 2 more weeks to first paper, and im still slacking around. What do i do this weeks? Watch shows, go catch up with frends, work etc...

Watching shows. I followed up on dramas that i haven finished, and true enough, i finished watching most of them this morning, as in watched from ytd nite till this morning. I plan to start on a few new dramas todae, but i tink better dun ba, i desperately need to study. Infact, tinking back, im not a drama fan at all before, i onli started to watch shows after i realised something and feel that i should try to do something about something. So yeah, im quite new to the drama scene. Ah well, at least i got something good out of something rite? =)

Catching up with frends. I went to eat kuishimbo with the poly fellows 2 days ago. Wong, stuart, KC, botak, kaicheong and kok were present. Despite the years, the fellows still retained some of the vaguely familiar feel.

Wong is still quiet yet egoistic in a funny manner; KC still is the undisputed cock fellow; botak dun look tat slim anymore and he still toks too much for my liking; kaicheong is like a thai now, having worked at his dad's garage all the while. Lastly, kok is still the businessman, doing businesses and only aiming cheena gals to be girlfrend. He's known as the cheena killer in the past. hahass.

Seeing them, i've lost my cheerfulness during the poly days. I was the crap king of king in the group, and im the most passionate among them when it comes to crapping. Yet this time around, im quite quiet and i dun realli crap much. Something in me changed, and im glad that my frens are still the same. They still do crap stuffs, like Wong, he dipped sushi and snow crabs in chocolate sauce and ate them. Fucking gross can? hahass!

And like predestined, everybody lead different lives, and for their paths to cross, it takes tons of fate. Each and every frend, u can learn something from them, no matter good or bad, ugly or pretty, tall or short, smart or dumb. People learn things from each other, and you are who you are todae, because of how your frends and family influenced you.

Alrite, besides the exams issue, im growing fatter. I've been having tons of good food recently, buffets, pizzas etc. Therefore, i need to wake up the idea and exercise diet control. Yes, i must not eat crap food for extended periods of time, and please stop me from eating junk if you guys can alrite? =)

On a final note, i tink people are mostly in a chronic denial state of mind. Never mind if you dun understand what i mean, but for those that knows, give it some thought. I can give you examples of this process in practice. Why keep locking yourself in cyclic denial?

Profound simplicity indeed, i am.

IRC!

I just came back from Genting yesterday nite, was a good trip, though i lost some money on 'entertainment', or to be more specific, the roulette table. hahass

I bought 3 extremely nice shirts back at around SGD$28 per shirt, which is like dirt cheap lor. One thing though, is the service at the restaurants in Genting is exceedingly poor. Its so sad eating there, u pay 10% service charge, and u get crap service. Thankfully, on the last day, we went to eat at a Hong Kong style cafe, and the service there was prompt and good. Like what my frends and i observed, its staff were chinese.

Anyways, it was fun, because we took 600 MB worth of pictures. hahahass. Will post some pics here when im free-er. Im jam packed lah, friday sunday working, and in between i needa go out on thursday and saturday to catch up with my differing group of frends respectively. Not much time to study alreadi. sigh.

Aite, gonna go off le, im IRCing my uni frends while im typing this entry, so im kinda multi-tasking here. Busy busy busy, its so hard trying to live a more fulfilling life and becoming a better man aint it? hohoho.

Jason, signing off. =)

Limit Break

How much can a man take? I can take alot, but i tink im at my limit. The extend of things is getting to me, and so lets just hit the finale button shall we? Done.

Went to sentosa todae with the OG, was fun and im kinda injured all over. Im sunburned easily, and therefore im like a lobster now. Happy and satisfied todae, the only thing i dun understand is why do banglas like to congregate at sentosa with long pants and shirts?

The onli thing they do is sit around and girl-watch. Waste of time rite? And they like to cut Q, maybe its in their culture? I pushed off one of them when he tried to cut my Q when we were boarding the tram to vivo. He backed off naturally. =)

Was supposed to join meekia and the dogs for steamboat when i reach home, but too shag lah, so didnt realli bothered going le. End up went to lim teh juz now at the familiar kopitiam below my house. We crapped alot and they're all looking to their first trip to Genting. heh.

Neglected training for sometime, now that all projects are finished, i have no more excuse to postpone the shit. hahass. Training is fun, and the most important aspect is the cardio. Cardio coupled with low-carb yields immediate results, therefore must run more, eat sensibly.

Alot of things, time will tell. Applies to all aspects of my life currently. Training, studies, career etc. And time, i emphasize again, changes alot of things. Nothing escapes change, for better or worse, noone knows. What i know is what abilities i have to adapt to changes, and my critical weakness. The critical weakness i have, is a weakness that will follow me all my life no matter how i tried to remedy it. Its the void.

"Break the chains that hold, and therefore break the bonds that bind."

Its a emo night....

Time and fate. you simply cant stop these 2 things can u? I dun kw where i will be, but i kw where you will be. where you will always be. =)

And so another chapter of my life closes. Tml will be printing MR project, which heralds the end of projects and the start of mugging. Yes, im supposed to be mugging, but im going to genting on sunday for 3 days. hahahass. The government sponsor $275 to go gamble leh, so why not?

My room needs a makeover, as i have always repeated over the past entries. I calculated the total budget the other day when i went to ikea. I need around $2K to get a loft bed, a super comfy sofa bed and a LCD TV. The LCD tv shall be connected to my computer, and then i can divert the dramas and movies i've downloaded to the tv. Thereafter, i can laze around on my sofa and watch dramas in style! Best yet, i should have enough additional cash to get a coffee table and one more carpet (i have on now underneath my bed.). Perfecto!

And so my room will become a condusive environment for drama watching / mahjong playing / sleepovers / project rushing etc.... Thinking bout it makes me happy. lols. But coming back to reality, its a huge project and i need the cash. So i have to find a way to get the cash, since the I-Hub job is fully taken. sigh.

Oh, i cut a super short hair todae. Suddenly feel like cutting short hair, and so i went with mee kia to jh house there to cut. Sibei cooling sia, long time nvr have short hair alreadi. Though its not veri nice, what matters most is i like it. i look like dumb and dumber, but its fine lah, im never those idol look-alike anyways. lets stick to basics shall we? =)

It takes alot to impress me, as i've recently found out. Its definitely more then the surface stuff, its what is within and the substance that constitutes the character. Its useless trying too hard, i simply see thru it all. Only when i find things out myself, shall i be impressed. U keep volunteering information on how good u are, it onli shows how lousy u are.

As people grow up, their mentalities start to change. Some people are still stuck behind, and though u tried hard to pull them along, they simply chose to get stuck. A frendship stuck is hard to remedy, unless the one stuck chose to grow up and catch up.

okay, enough. its time to sleep, i need to reach school by 11am tml. sigh. fuck school. nitez!

Got this picture from my bro's ex-gf blog.
Find it interesting, so paste here show u people.
Nothing much to blog todae, life is too monotonous....too monotonous....

Tickling Tick Tock

Im updating my blog in skool this time, not because my net is cut, nono, its because im waiting for the singing club to start. Yes, i went ahead and joined singing club. hahahs, give it a try mah, no harm anyways. I even joined judo club lor. heh

There are some things in life u will never understand. Maybe its never meant to be understood at all in the first place. I asked myself why, but i can never give a definite answer. If i dun even understand my choice, how can people understand? Like the song goes " Im not crazy, im just a little unwell."

Back to normal stuffs, my training resumed with a bang. Yesterday went to gym around late noon, then went to play basketball with the dogs. And by dogs, i dun mean real canines, i meant my trusty 'pig and dog' frends. hahahas.. full of crap and noisy fellows. Bball was nice, realli nice. Its been sometime since i played, and the feeling was great. Our passion was relit by the taiwanese show HOTSHOT, which was surprising, considering hao-siao-ness of the show. Go watch xiao zhu in action, damn funny fellow. hahass

Bought a pair of nerd specs to see the whiteboard better for International Finance class. Mok writes realli badly and the whole lecture strains to make out wtf he is writing on the board. He's a nice guy lah, but its realli hard to see the god damn board.

And i just had dinner a frend. He's as egoistic as ever, though he meant well for me. I disagree with his thoughts, and he's ego is realli hard to swallow sometimes. But i tink at the core, he's not a bad fellow lah, just that he's more extreme mentally. Shujian was with me as well, and i can feel his discomfort as well. hahass. Well, the basis is not considering his ego, he's still a nice frend.

Venture wise, the web skeleton is gonna come out in a few days time. Gonna liase with the various suppliers and if everything goes well, the thing will roll out 2 weeks later. Im comtemplating postponing the launch, cause exams is round the corner and i need ALOT of time to study for finance.

Before i go, as a morbid thought, what do they do with people's blog when they die? Sometimes when u see the news where young people die, they keep blogs mah, so will blogger delete the blog, or will some nice fren keep updating the blog for the dead person? hmms... just a thought hor, im NOT contemplating suicide, so dun read too much into this. =)

Cyclone and Tornadoes

Took a long hiatus from blogging and basically everyday life. Some stuffs happened, and im too lazy to describe in detail. But all in all, an interesting perspective to life.

Okies, so i bought a wonderful pair of Pedro loafers. They're khaki and im loving every bit about them. Casual and comfy, yet still counts as a formal pair of shoes, best thing yet, dun have to wear socks. Jittao comfy until dun kw father mother. hahahass =)

Next up im gonna get some new clothes, though im kinda strap for cash. Wanna go bangkok, but the political scene there isnt so stable, so technically go bangkok tio bang nia. Then again, they wont possibly slaughter tourists lah, will they?

My main motive in bangkok is shopping, and maybe take pictures of the famous buddhist temples there. Buddhism always has this mysterious oriental feel to it, and its one of the most peaceful religion in my opinion. Anyways, my shopping list includes stuffs like tag heuer watch, LV wallet and various other apparels and accessories. heh.

Oh, and i have to say this, sometimes you get so dissappointed in a frend that u no longer wanna give advice and other significant help to that frend. I know a frend in need is a frend in deed, but when that frend's ego simply overtake all ur attempts to help, you know u have to give up and let that frend learn the hard way.

Its okay to have dreams, but when ur dreams are propelled by your ego and your mentality that the whole world owes u something, its not good. And its okay to be confident, but its never okay to think that you are the best and smartest person in the world. Modesty is a veri important aspect to cultivate, i learnt it long ago and im still struggling to learn it till this day. Remember this, modesty prepares you for failure and if u can't afford to fail, dun start in the first place.

Relating this to myself, i am never afraid of failure. Failure as in non-fatal failure lah, i still am afraid of death, im just a man after all. But in other stuffs like relationships and business and studies and other whatnots, i simply feel no fear for failure. Fail can try again, just keep trying until you make it, things are predetermined yes, but the more times you try, the probability of success is higher. So yeah, just keep trying lor, persevere and you will get there eventually.

And yes, my venture is now under discussion already. I do hope my new venture with my frends will yield better returns then my previous attempt. I never tell people about what im going to do unless they're very close to me, because i dun believe in telling people what u are going to do when you havent even started. Some people feel doing business is prestigious and can show off etc, so they tell the whole world and even say some childish stuffs to people. To me, i rather remain low profile unless people ask me.

Finally, there's somethings i tink better dun anyhow anyhow write, later i tio kio again how? rite. =)

Romantic Perspective

How do i handle life? How do i cope? Sometimes i do ask myself all these questions. After all that i've been through, i conclude life to be directly related to perspective. How you interpret an event is veri important. And i never believe things to be absolute, never say never.

Failure. Most people view it as detrimental, but to me, failure is simply finding out one way not to succeed. I deeply believe in the logic that noone fails forever. Business wise that is. I have my dream, and i intend to make that dream a reality. My dream? Build my own business empire.

Why do i suddenly wanna tok about my perspective on life all of a sudden? Well, its seems i've seen and thought through alot of things, and i have this huge conclusion about everything. A frend was toking to me about his disappointment in his failure to woo his gal, he was too late, in the end she was attached when he decided he wanted to go for her.

He told me the gal felt something for him initially, but he hesitated and therefore lost the chance.
He told me he was veri sad and he cannot swallow the sight of seeing another guy behaving intimately with the gal he likes. He told me he like her alot, and can't bear to lose her. He told me he was gloomy and upset for a few months alreadi, he cant get over her. Guess what i told him?

I told him the one he was upset about wasnt the gal, its himself. His pride and ego simply cannot swallow the fact that he failed. He wanted to own the gal, he hates himself because he let her go. He hated the fact that he took her for granted and thought that he have lots of time and she will wait for him. So all in all, he wasnt upset because he loved the gal, he was more buay gam luan on losing her to another guy.

I pointed this fact out to him, and i gave him my take on relationships :

1) Noone stays forever, do not take the other party for granted.

2) Since noone stays forever, enjoy and cherish every present moment with her, u never know whether both of you will go the distance, so dun try to prophecize the future, just enjoy the present.

3) Breaking up is not negative, its just that you're not meant to be together and there's a better somebody else that can take care of her. Treasure the memories and the happy times spent together with her, keep them locked up in your heart. When u recall those times with her, both of u can confidently smile and know deep inside that being together was worth it.

4) Rejection isnt negative. Its just a preventive mechanism setting in to protect both of you. One party knows things aint gonna go anywhere, and therefore to avoid future complications and heartbreak and quarrels etc... , he/she chose to pass.

5) If she managed to find someone who's realli nice, dun feel jealous and bitter. If you feel for her, u want the best for her. What matters is she tinks he is the one that can take care of her, and if u like her as much as you say, u would want the best for her. Therefore be happy because she managed to find someone that she realli likes and realli cares for her.

6) Love is free-rein, meaning do not exert control over her. Love is a connection between 2 person, not a slave-master relationship. She have her freedom and she does not owe u anything. Reporting is done volunteerily, its not compulsory. She wanna go club or go out with guys, its alrite, because if she wanna fly, no cage can keep her in. Trust in her and give her the liberty that she deserves.

7) Things happen for a reason, therefore dun jump to conclusions. Give her time to explain herself, everything can be discussed nicely, no point screaming at her. She's a gal, and the basic right of being a gal is the right to be pampered and cared for. Give in for small things, but critical issues, sit down and tok things out. Use a nice tone.

8) Before blaming things on her or other people, reflect on yourself first. Most of the time, u perceived things towards the negative side because you are too self-centered. Her world don't revolve around you, so before pointing out her faults, try to understand yourself and your actions first. (This is the point i told my fren, he was too self-centred to see that infact what he felt was more disappointment then sadness.)

9) Dun dwell on 'maybe's and 'could be's. Dun imagine how good things could have turned out if she accepted you. Understand the fact that there is a divine reason that the-fellow-up-stairs didnt wanna put you both together. Also remember the fact that impossible is never relevant, what could not be now, could be in future. So maybe now is just not the time. But dun think too much, try to move on for the time being.

10) The only certainty in life is death and change. Time is the most powerful entity in existence, nothing can stop it, nothing can change it and nothing can control it. People change with time, noone stays stagnant, people must change in order to survive. Do not blame her if she have a change of heart, she cant help it, you cant help it too. So why not suck it up and move on with a smile. If its meant to be, it will be. An angel that realli belongs to you will fly back to you no matter how far she have flew.

I view relationships as a pool of clear water. I wanna keep it clean and transparent. You can say im naive or childish, but to me, romance should be crystal clear and upheld by trust and respect.

And lastly for some things, i choose to keep quiet and solemn. It's the only thing i can do.

Work work work...

Not updating much these days. Currently working at COMEX and trying to finish up my project parts, so i dun have much time. Reach home,do project, sleep, wake up, go work. Boring cycle.

Lots of people at COMEX, and yes, loads of customers. Tiring, but its fun, the system is still the same, and the people there are fun, though i stick with Meekia and Rusty most of the time. Im gona sleep soon, tml needa go work at 10am. Fook one, im ALWAYS late for work. zzz

Oh ya, i found out that im regularly being stabbed in the back. But its okay, i can take it whichever way they want it. The 'they' refers to those people backstabbing me from all walks and sectors of life. Im just one fat guy trying to live his life the way he deems it, so what matters is i am satisfied with my life, why should i bother what u people say about me? =)

Lastly, i saw ah-song at the COMEX just now, turns out he worked at starhub before too. I tink im inspired again, so im gonna change again. lolx. But slowly ba, should be a gradual change.

Jason's : This is the last entry that im gonna put in a "Jason's" section. Next entry onwards, everything will be free rein.

Proximization

Gonna go for IPPT later at khatib camp. Yes, why khatib camp? Because i am a last minute warrior, and all maju camp slots have been taken. So yes, i have to travel from Boon Lay to Yishun just to fail my ippt. fuck.

Im contemplating running in my army boots later in the evening, but it will look damn funny lah. I initially plan to run in boots for a week, then the next week im gonna strap on 5kg leg weights on each leg and plan to jog around with them. Im not as worried bout the torture as im worried bout being the laughing stock of the estate. lol. Shall tell u people on the next entry if i try it. =)

Went to the gym yesterday, and i tink its starting to not work anymore. I used to be sore after training everytime, though the sore period always get shorter and shorter. And todae when i woke up, no sore. Yes, no sore, which means either 1, im not training hard enough, 2, my body has adapted to the routine. Both of which is not good. I tink i need to plan out another circuit routine to simulate the body again. Sigh, troublesome sia.

SAF forced me to cut my hair on monday, and the barber gave me a stupid hairstyle. Its kinda like those dumb and dumber hair style. Sibei ugly and i totally look like a retard. Thanks to wax, i can style my hair till nice nice, so people think my hairstyle is nice, which in actual fact without styling, it sucks. But come to tink of it, im never good-looking lah, so cut wat hair also like tat, who cares?

Reuban says i've slimmed down alot, but i tink he is hallucinating lah. I tink im still the same fat me, i dun realli see any change at all, except maybe for bigger arms ba. What troubles me is my face is still fat. Its not like u train super duper hard, then the face will get slimmer overnight, fats is lost from the whole body slowly, there's no 'target-area' reduction. And the best gauge of whether u are fat anot is not the weighing scale, i have a system.

This is for guys onli. Jump up as high as u can infront of the mirror. After u land, whatever u see still shaking after 3 secs is fats. You have to lose weight if u have pieces on your body that shakes, the more vigorous the shaking, the fatter u are.

For those that know, saturday is LM test, and as usual, i haven started studying. I dun kw, i dun have the mood to start at all. And i tink i wont be going for the night cycling thingy. Dun ask me why.

Alrite, shall not think too much. Its ippt-at-yishun-time! I gonna go bathe le. Cya guys next entry!

Jason's : Its all locked up, please dun dig it out.

Tomorrow, i will be going for reservist in the morning. Hopefully my OC is a understanding man. Good things rarely happen to me, and i pray hard at least things go smoothly for me this time.

Went out with starhub fellows on friday, infact, its just jiawei, edward yiansin and me for the dinner, and later on sebastian joined us for kopi. Jiawei isnt his usual cheerful self anymore, there's this tinge of solemnness that revolves around him. Edward as usual is leading a charmed life, studying in SMU, a dance enthusiast and a stable 5 yr gf.

Yiansin juz broke off with her bf 2 weeks earlier, but she seems normal. And my best buddy during Starhub days : Sebastian Ng Kian Boon, grew super fat. You know, once he joined us for kopi, the entire mood changed, we were laughing our heads off. Sebas is a veri str8-forward and in-your-face fellow.

If u dun kw him, u will feel he is tactless and rude. But infact, sebas is that kinda fren u need when u need to know the truth. If u're fat, he will tell u u're fat. And what makes him so special is because he's happy with who he is. We told him he grew fatter, and he laughed it off, telling us what matters the most is he's happy though he's fat. Great fellow, but if u cannot stand his honesty, u will think otherwise.

And so they asked bout me. I didnt say anything much, no point saying too much ba. Im juz another 25 yr old guy struggling with life, trying to pay for all my bills and graduating with a degree. Im not a whiner, and i try veri hard not to be, so yes, im trying my best to solve my problems.

*this has no relation to my post*
Fuck lah, why are there ppl tat are SO self-centred in this world. Fuck.

Jason's : Im quarreling with somebody online now. So im abit agitated.

Lamrim

Monday im going back for reservist. Hopefully can get a deferment, even if i cant, its alright, because i need the money they will be paying me.

For another issue, i got the message in the face. i got the message, dun worry, im not dumb. I mean wat i said, and i will do wat i said.

Back to where i left off, reservist should be quite fun, the medics in my unit are frendly and nice. At least on first impression. Tml will be meeting the starhub fellows for dinner, im looking forward to see how those guys are doing.

I did pretty much next to nothing todae, except for playing basketball with mee kia and the dogs. Tok rot, play ball and do stunts, the usual basketball antics. And at the end of the day, i always go home with calf cramps. sigh.

Im watching fencing now on channel 5, and pardon me if u're a fencing fan, i find it quite boring. Poke here poke there, fun meh? I dun kw man, its not my cup of tea. Basketball and soccer sounds better. =)

And i suddenly developed a interest for buddhist meditation. Yes, meditation. Sit there, breathe in, breathe out. I googled the correct buddhist meditation technique and tried it for awhile. The feeling was quite good, cause i hardly have the time to sit down and concentrate on clearing my mind.

Jason's : Lamrim: The Stages of the Buddhist Path

Memoirs of a Chinese Orchestrian...

I deleted my previous entry because its too emo. After reading thru, i realised its kinda silly. I say i tried, which infact i didnt, im just trying to run away from it all. For those that read the deleted entry last nite, keep it to urselves ya? thks. =)

Im going back for reservist next monday. My deferment failed, but its okay lah, i wont die if i go back to camp. I know LM test is coming, so if my OC dun defer me, i go inside study LM lor. I tink if indeed i study LM inside camp, i cfm get full marks for the test one. Tear me away from my computer, and the only things i do is study and train.

Im looking at my recent picture taken on monday during the outing, and i like what i see, it looks much better then the fat me 2 mths ago. Im losing weight slowly, and im starting to see some build. =). Oh ya, i show u guys the picture im toking about ba.
















Im not trying to act cute, i juz happen to stick out my tongue when the camera clicked. hohoho.

I found a job, working at the upcoming PC show from 28th to 31st of this mth. But thks to my reservist, i cannot confirm with my frend yet, because if i cannot defer, how to work? -.-

Im listening to MATSURI by KITARO now, and memories of my chinese orchestra days during secondary school comes flowing back. I used to play the DI ZI, or chinese flute way back during those days. I might not look much, but im the Di Zi Section Leader lor. Dun pray pray ah. lolx

I remembered vividly how inspired i was during the combined practice. Initially i tot its kinda boring juz blowing on a stupid pipe and the onli joy it gave me was i felt like some ancient swordsman. But when we started the combined practice for Matsuri, there's this unstoppable sense of awe that the combined song instills in you. Same goes for Nan Jiang Jun Ling, or the Huan Fei Hong song, if u guys kw wat i meant.

And so i fell in love with the chinese flute, learning it for 4 yrs before i gave it up when i went to polytechnic. I actually tried to join NP's chinese orchestra, but i gave it up to join dragonboat, where i also dropped out to join NP Strings. I can still vaguely remember how to play the Di Zi, but i tink i lost the skill alreadi. Such a waste man. I was given a good musical start, yet i didnt cherish it. Sigh.

Ah well, time to sleep, tml got lessons on. I shall tell u guys more about myself in the future entries. My life story isnt veri interesting, but at least give me a chance to tell you more about myself. =)

Jason's : I will have to cut my hair during reservist. Fuck.

Lots to blog about this entry. I've slacked for 3 days in a row, kinda like taking a long break before starting on training again. I guess i will do it once every mth, lets the body recover and unwind before going the distance again.

Candy, a sweet with wrapper around it. Everyone wans a candy with a nice wrapper, but u never kw whether its sweet inside. And in the event theres a candy with a nice wrapper, everyone wants it. But if the wrapper is veri thick and takes alot of effort to peel, they give up and then go on to buy another candy.

And then there are those special few that stayed around to bother to unveil the candy slowly. And when new kids come around and see the candy with the nice wrapper, they also wanted the candy. And so the kid who is slowly peeling the candy is feeling unsecure with so many others eyeing his candy. The kid knows, some kids tinks the wrapper is nice, so they wan it, but when they taste the candy itself, they find its not their taste, they spit it out. So the poor candy is now left alone in the sand. That's why the kid is determined to protect his precious little candy from harm, and promised never to spit out the candy.

The story of the kid and his candy. hahass. just some random story lah. =)

Alrite, back to reality, im tinking of starting a new venture again. Seraphine has became an internal purchasing unit, u know, as in buying in PsPs for auction use. Or so i would tink lah, im not selling PSPs to outsiders le, but if u kw me, i can get sets for u peeps at cheap prices. heheh.

My new venture will be something out of ordinary. A web-based setup as usual to lower startup costs. All the partners have been found, and shall be discussing initial details soon. Whether it succeeds anot, its another matter, i wan the experience most importantly. Will be taking charge of the marketing and purchasing aspects. But have to confirm ba, now haven even tink of the company name yet, better dun tink so far. lol.

I know ppl tat hallucinate. They tink too much sometimes, and they start to hallucinate about how good they were etc. Somethings they say are totally unbelievable and u tend to tink they are just mad idiots. People hallucinate when they are low self-esteem and low confidence, therefore imagining things to consciously lie to themselves. Its sad, but u cannot point out this truth to them, they will hate u and most prob stab u with a knife, because they are mad in the first place. Crazy fellows.

Lastly, there are egoistic ppl in the world that needs to be taught a lesson. He tinks he's a strong fighter, he tinks he's all mighty and everyone is afraid of him. Better wake up from the dream man, u can be taken out as easily as an ant. When people dun say anything, dun take it that people are afraid. Believe me when i say, if somebody wants u to die and not be caught by the law, there's a thousand and one ways to do that.

So wake up the idea, and start to control ur ego. If u meet people i have met, u wouldnt tink u are the best in the world. For example, there's my good fren who aims people's families instead of them. He will harass those closest to you like your parents of your siblings, because he tells me, a person's weakness is his kin. No man, no matter how strong and great, will b reduced to a crying wreck when his family is slaughtered.

My fren is mad rite? Dun know why, but i know mad ppl like these. They are the ppl with the tendency to become those serial killers man. But its heng i know these mad fellows, that i understand the fact that we are just small people in a huge world populated with mad ppl. I would rather just stick to my beautiful little world, then to be egoistic and get slaughtered. Best thing yet, they dun need to go to jail, cause they are mentally unsound. Shen jing bings...=.="

Jason's : Do your chain hang low? Is it white or is it gold? yo yo yo~~

Virgin Pic....

Okays, so this is the first picture i put up which feature myself. Dun complain lah, i dun take much pictures, so this is like kinda rare. (I know, i got big face. =.=)

Todae went back to camp for refresher course. Got poked in the arm as usual, IV isnt pain at all man, its juz a hot feeling in ur arms with blood flowing out. No, its not gross, its a life saving skill mind you. lol

While shitting in the toilet this afternoon in camp, i though about lots of things. And i officially grew up one notch. I will find a job, earn some cash to play stocks and most important of all, i need money to pay my bills!

One more thing i must say, i tink i dun realli show much care and concern to my frends. There's alot about them i dun kw, and im ashamed to say that. Why do i tink this way? Because i know of a person that cares alot for her frends, yet doesnt verbally express it. She always does it in her own quiet way. And that's just one of the reason why i respect her so much, she does things with no motives at all. Perfect gal.

And to anonymous who tagged, you're right about mazlow's theory. But to me, shouldnt we look back at how blessed we are to start in the middle of the hierarchy, where we dun have to worry bout our basic needs? Ah well, i gonna go sleep, tml need to wake up at 6am. sigh. nitez babe.

Jason's : Training is a part of my life. I alreadi slacked 2 days le. hahass =p

不要哭

How strong can u be? Before u say anything, if u say u are strong, then u are mostly not. Why do i say that? Because i know of veri strong people. Emotionally. Respect and admiration is what i have for that person. If its me, i most prob would have gone crazy alreadi. Anyways this information is privy, so i shall not say anything more.

Im veri disappointed with myself, i sucked. Why am i so shy. Wah lan eh, not rite lah, where is the courage? Why can people do something so normally and yet i cant? Lots of why, and the main problem lies with me, im afraid. 我怕她生气 .

SM project deadline is on friday, but im taking it easy. I started todae, and im supposed to be doing it now. Whatever im supposed to do, im definitely not doing it, cause im blogging here rite? yupz, i officially hecked my project for another day. Tomolo will be the last day, i tink i will do it tomolo ba. yeah, tomolo sounds good. =)

Tomolo will be going to the gym if my body recovers in time. Supposed to run todae, but in the end played game with the guys, so running is deferred to tomolo evening. I tink i go gym first, then go swim in the noon. Evening go run ba. I wonder got so much energy anot sia. Ah well, tml do my best ba.

Do my best. The motivational phrase during self-talk sessions before lifting weights till exhaustion. I always ask myself this before the last most xiong rep-- > " Can you go all the way?" . I will answer myself softly --> " I dun know, but i will do my best." And i always managed to endure till the end. I guess its more of small training talk ba, u kw, u needa motivate urself abit verbally. lol

Well, i once said, my problems are all veri insignificant compared to other ppl's. Gals, fats, studies all are juz problems u dig out for urself. Some problems are pushed rite into your face, u have no choice at all. Like providing for your family etc... Im now at the age, where some of my frends are married, or the sole bread winner for the entire family. Some are not educated, so they realli slog it out to support their families.

The above are people i respect fully and totally. Not some rich bastard that drives a sports car and the dad pays for every single fuck thing. They might have the prettiest gal, hottest car and biggest bank account. Hang them out to dry with no fatherly-funding, and u see a helpless weakling whining to god.

Why the sudden tulan-ness? Because todae somebody told me a guy in class said he looked down on people that work and study at the same time. He says wanna study must study full time and whole-heartedly, not work and study at the same time. Wow. So he mean taking his dad's money and leeching off his dad is respectable? I tink this fucktart dun realised tat there are some people out there that cannot afford the fees, therefore have to work and study at the same time to pay for skool fees.

If i heard the guy say this kinda thing infront of me, i cfm fuck his ancestors till they jump out from their graves. Be grateful that u are blessed with a family that can pay for ur fees, dun go around looking down on people that cannot afford the fees and thus need to work. Being educated and smart doesnt make u above everybody, so wat if ur results are good? Weakling. Pui.

Why are there so many fucktarts out there sia, how come some kids never grow up even after army? Im supposed to be meditated and have a heart reminiscent of the open ocean, but i simply cannot stand this kinda of nonsense.

Jason's : Im just a shy little boy lah.

Fuck you Ben =)

Lots to tok about todae. Went to sing ktv with rei, nich, vivian, jeanette and clarice. Enjoyable trip, screamed out lots of songs and i kinda went crazy halfway thru the session. lol. Its been sometime since i've shown my other crazy side. So yeah, its fun. =)

Training wise, im quite satisfied because i stick to my regime regularly and tml is gym day again. heh. Im tinking of incorporating another aspect into my program, like throw in a few push ups and sit ups in the morning before i go wash up. yeah, shall do that, i will feel healthier tat way too.

I heard from the guys that ah tan's appeal failed, and im starting to worry bout my deferment. Sigh, if mine fail too, then i have to go back for 12 days, and i shall have trouble catching up with my projects. Or maybe not, cause personally im also a last min person lah, so after all the previous 'last minute' trainings, i have no trouble rushing out stuffs. So yeah, go back then go back lor.

You know, in the past, i will feel uneasy when i get to know some other guy is trying to woo the gal i like. But that kinda mentality slowly dissolve away as i grew up. Why? Because its too dumb lah. You are alreadi so preoccupied and busy trying to get her, u where got the time to care about all the other guys and what they are doing? If its meant to be, then u just do your part, things will move naturally in your favour, if its not to be, then even if u kill all your competition, she's not gonna be yours in the end rite?

My bro brought back a fortune telling bottle todae, yeah, u heard rite, its a fortune telling bottle modelled after those sticks-throwing-bottles in chinese temples. Kinda interesting, so i gave it a try. For the 1st question, i asked 3 times just to make sure, the answers are 'why not?' , 'yes' and 'yes.definitely' respectively. Im not veri superstitious lah, but still kinda happy in a childish way. hahass.

And the answers were also positive for the following questions. I asked whether i will be rich, and its a resounding yes! hohoho, but i know lah, this kinda thing, play play onli, whether i make my mark in life is up to myself, not some stick-spewing bottle.

I did tell u people im gonna pack my room rite? This time, im gonna revamp my room, meaning buy new stuffs and repaint my furniture. All that i gonna happen indefinitely though, meaning when im free lah. So many projects and reservist stuff to add to my worries, i dun wanna curse, but its like totally fuck-the-up lor. zzz


*Extremely vulgar paragraphs, do not read if u are allergic to vulgarities.*

Sometimes things are so coincidental man, i just quoted ben as a example last entry, and yesterday i heard something new. This fucktart was rejected by my frend in the past, and he went to tell ppl he was the one who rejected my frend. Aiseh, ben is indeed a hallucinating piece of shit man. I alreadi fucking dislike him, and after i heard this, i seriously feel there is something wrong with his upbringing. In army he is fucked up, nvm, i can understand, in school he asks gals tactless stuffs, nvm also, maybe he's dumb lah. But spinning up a story to cover up being rejected? Wah lan eh, not i wanna say lah, tio reject then fucking swallow the fact lah, knn go bluff ppl for fuck?

I hate the kind of guy like ben. If u have balls, u can take rejection. Its alrite to be upset, but get the fuck over it and live life like a man, when ppl ask u are u rejected, u just say yes, or if u wanna save ur tiny ego, just say 'she tinks we're not suitable lah, so yeah, it didnt turn out well' lor. Why go tell other guys that u are the one who rejected her? Ur dick feels better? Your ego feels better and u got more face? When the truth gets found out (like now), isnt it worse?

If u are a despicable mutha-fucker, its alrite, but coupled with a lack of brains, u simply are a total failure in life. Wanna be a villain, learn from the Joker man. Ben Kaw, if by some chance u are reading this, wake up your idea please and get a life. You WERE REJECTED. Get this into your fucking brain. And dun bother telling tales to other ppl in lecture, i know of at least 20 people who want u dead. So yeah, go fuck the lamppost or mailbox or watever your non-existent dick can fit into, quit lying to people ya? Finally, go listen to 'My Dick' by Mickey Avalon, totally describes you as the little kid. ~~My dick is like a bridge, yours is like a little kid's~~ =)

*end of vulgarities*

Okays, those who read regularly knows im a nice fellow lah, i dun get angry easily. And my tolerance level for nonsense is actually extremely high. Whatever happens, im onli violent when im protecting people i love and care for, any other cases other then those, im dirtying my hands.

Alrite, gonna sleep alreadi, tml waking up early to go gym before heading to skool for project. Ciaoz!

Jason's : Non-routine violent streak.

Stagnant Water

Todae wasnt so routine. Supposed to wake up early to go gym this morning at 7am, but i woke up at 7am, sat on the bed for 5 mins, then suddenly i concussed. Next thing i kw, i woke up at 9am. gosh. I had a sudden loss of consciousness for 2 hrs, hahahass.

Anyways, had lecture todae, im late as usual. Marketing wasnt veri interesting, lectures are not veri interesting in general anyways. And then there was project discussion. The thing about project is, they're quite interesting although tedious. U kind of get stuck everywhere and u have absolutely no idea how to start. Ah well, things always seem to straighten themselves out and deadlines are always met rite? yeah. =)

Supposed to join the guys for a run, but remember i have to go gym? So i rushed home to get to the gym before they close. Evening gym is fucking crowded man, i dun wanna try it again. And there's this fucker, i put my towel on the machine to 'book' the machine cause im going to get a drink, its like 5 seconds? Tat cb took my towel, put on another machine then snatch my machine.
And so, when i came back 5 seconds later, i gave him the meaningful stare, and i was supposed to ask him what is his father's name. Yes, i wanted to make sure his dad wasnt lao lee before i whack him. But, i didnt do silly things lah, i was kinda chuckling to myself at my crazy violent thoughts. And so i stand beside him and waited lor, wat to do, im supposed to be grown up and not quarrel over small things. Yes, this blog is a place where i am childish and i can vent my violent intentions. muahahahah

And todae's training was kinda tough, cause after the day, i was quite drained, but nevertheless, trained till muscle fatigue, focusing more on the arms. The next session shall be toning, so wont do heavy weights. And kert just reminded me, i gotta do more cardio. So my new schedule will be gym and roadwork one day, swimming the next. Yupz, more cardio, i need to lose my round face, its making me damn depressed. hohoho

Just a random thought on the bus home, there are people in the world that look down on you, and give negative comments. To me, these people are there for a reason, to spur u on and test ur patience. Some people think they are so hunky and stuff, but deep within their souls, wat are they made off? Im not a veri clean soul for your info, but i do not look down on people. No matter how fucked up i am, i will never look down on a person, unless of course, that person is totally fucked up. Ben is a good example.

And so, there's lesson tml, and tml is wednesday! yeah! Thursday there's a 30% chance of going k-ing, because ppl might fly aeroplane last min, so the status is like KIV. Ah well, me and my boring life. Oh ya, before i sign off, gotta tell u people one more aspect to add to my travelling dreams.

Im gonna start a travel-blog when i start to traverse the globe when i have the cash. You know, go everywhere and take pictures and find out more bout the culture there, then post it all up in a blog as a sort of album. hohoho, tinking bout it makes me excited man, i love travelling.

Jason's : If only i am him.