Velvety Reminiscence

Rain. I once commented when it rains, each and every droplet seems to carry the tears of every broken heart throughout history. How many have stood beside the window over the years, overlooking the same droplets that precipitates through time? How many hearts have yearned for their supposed pair? How many souls have been frozen by this solitude, induced by their so called love?

Im feeling abit poetic suddenly, so please pardon me. Some people say, men should not be overran by emotions, i say, its selective. Im absolute when it comes to investment and monetary matters. Social decisions i cut some slack, but im a sucker when it comes to love. I hold this naive belief that i must be the best i can to my girl, because she trust me and loves me enough to stay with me through the days.

I admit, like fei zai says, im not a player. I dont like to play, what i want, is a simple and faithful relationship. People say im fantasizing too much, in the end i will be disadvantaged. Even if im being belittled or looked down upon, i still hold strong to my beliefs, the belief that i must remain true to my lady.

Thing is, i rather keep getting hurt, then risk hurting the one who realli loves me for who i am. Im not whimpy, im not soft. I simply dont believe in betraying trust. I've seen alot of so called players, who toy with people's feelings. At the end of the road, they become lonelier and more ostracized. They score a so called social victory, but back to back, they've also lost a part of themselves in the process.

I dont know why im blabbering about all these stuffs, im not trying to say im perfect or anything. I just wanna voice out some stuffs that came to my mind these days. Anyways nobody exactly reads my blog, so i guess its socially safe to pen down my innate thoughts here. heh.

Days are as usual nowadays. Day in day out doing the same slack shit. Im still looking for a job, i had enough of the frontline banking industry. I wanna do something stable, where job stability is not an issue. Im looking to go into commodity trading or corporate finance. I seriously need a change of environment. Argh.

Finances wise, its a 'hand to mouth' situation now. My liabilities take up almost half of my take home income, so its seriously abit chui now. After some planning, its all in a pristine balance for the time being. So lets all hope that there is no shock to the system, and my assets and liabilities remaining in equilibrium shall we? =)

Jasonian Quotes: A woman stays by your side because they chose to, not because they have to.

Final Fuckingly~~~

Alright, im apologetic cause i've seriously neglected this space here. BUT, Im back guys and gals! hahahs!

Anyways alot of things happened while i was away for almost 6 mths. As in in my life that is.

I've played alot, and by play, i meant in the guys' way. My outlook on life, money and relationships changed alot. Call it a paradigm shift, or whatever you like, but to me, i realli did changed.

First of all, i've changed job, im now with POSB DBS, not OCBC anymore. And im not happy, seriously, im searching for a new job after like 3 mths on the job. I dun know what came over me when i accepted this rather then HSBC. Sometimes in life, you make the wrong decisions. I told myself, 'suck it up and find a new job jason.'. And that, im currently doing.

This time round, i dont realli wanna join a bank anymore. I have experienced the banks' perspective when it comes to consumer banking. Im more into Corporate finance positions now. I dun mind starting from scratch, but i wanna get into a Merger and Acquisition entity. MnA requires a variety of finance and social skills all rolled into 1. Its abit hard to explain, but in totality, MnA is very challenging and its realli my dream job. Infact, i hope to start my on Turnaround Management Firm in future if i realli go far in this career. heh.

Money. Im not trying ways and means to get additional income, and yes, i run the risk of being scammed, but what the heck, no risk no gain. Business wise im still looking for people to start one of my concepts. Its soooooo hard finding a capable IT person to do the website for me. Seriously its wtf. =.=

Relationships wise, i can only say i tried loving someone without prejudice. But it seems that person isnt realli worth it after all. I seriously dun mind alot of things, but the final point it seems, is that she doesnt realli feel for me in that sense. And so, moving on im again finding someone worthy. I hope the next girl in my life is somebody that's good enough, i dun need a perfect lady, i just need somebody by my side and i fucking promise to take care of her through life's ups and downs. Money i dun have alot, but i will give the best that i can give to her. So please the-fellow-in-the-skies, send me somebody that appreciates me and dont take me for granted. Please asshole, i dont want another bitch in my life. =(

Ah well, been so long since i've blogged man, it feels uber great to release the vent up emotions in electronic literature. Woohoo, feeling much better. And i shall start the quotes yet again, but this time of my own conceptions. heh~!

Jasonian Quotes: Im not a perfect man, that's why im looking for a imperfect lady to make me whole again.

I know i have not been blogging for ages. This few mths i kinda spunned out of control. Allow me to say i have learnt alot this few mths from september. Lets just put it im becoming a ASEAN diplomat soon. Hahasss.

Been drinking almost every single night, im now a night person alreadi. And thanks to some divine intervention, i suddenly felt like reverting back to my normal self. Im kinda stuck with a fair thai lady currently, she kinda made me lost track of myself. Or rather, i myself was too engrossed i guess. She's a realli nice girl, but ladies of the night always have secrets here and there. I was not veri used to all this shit initially, but now my mentality shifted. Its all a game, and its how you play your cards.

Amidst all these lies, there are indeed a few truths. Honesty infact is a quality i value more then anything. Im attracted to honesty more then anything. A month back, i used to have a set of rules laid out to protect myself from the shroud of the night. The legends are true, the night have a aura that corrupts and changes people. Sad to say, i have flouted every single one of the rules when it comes to this thai lady.

Her name is Kwang. I realli fell for her. Hahahah.

Initially when i went to the pub with my frends, i didnt realli wanna tok to her. I know deep inside if i went after this girl, i will realli fall for her and this will completely screw up my life. I tried ignoring her for 5 times, in the end, under my fren's encouragement, i went for it. And then the downward spiral starts....

I wouldnt say my life is totally screwed up currently, but its not looking veri bright now. I woke up in time to assess my current situation, then i realised its not realli worth it for a single person.

My future is bright beyond belief, i lost myself in this 3 mths. Im supposed to be putting my monies and talent to greater use, to build an empire of dreams, not investing in somebody that i have never even saw the colour of her underwear before. To put it crudely, its dumb lor.

If she likes me, will auto come to me, no point making somebody the centre of my entire life. My entire life should be revolving around me, myself and i. Not somebody that i dun realli know well. Hurhur. Thankfully, i've seen thru all these, and im not too hard on myself, simply because i count all these as life experiences. You dun learn all these shit in school, you onli learn it in society, and i guess paying for education is prim and proper. Hahaha

Anyways i've applied for a number of offshore positions, hopefully i get short-listed and called up for interviews. Im dying to take up a regional role where i get to fly around on business trips. I have some financial shits to clear at the moment, and once i cleared them, most prob will start building my war chest again. hiak Hiak. =)

I trying to ask for 3.5k basic, i seriously hope i get it. lolx.

These few days is fucking hot. Nb fuck the cb weather. Pui.

Ok, enough of whining. Was facebooking and then at a small corner, suddenly saw a familiar face.

Clicked through, and realized its adeline. Its been sometime since i've seen the starhub people, the last time we had dinner was 3 or 4 years back, everybody have been doing their own things and i guess we didnt have time to gather to catch up.

I went to take a look at haojun, edward, kenneth etcs profiles to find out how they are getting on in life, and its quite amazing just a few years back, we all started equal, and yet now, some are further in life then the others. Wow.

In retrospec, i also have came far from where i was initially. Its kinda interesting when you mentally revisit the emotions and feelings during that exact point in time, and look at it with the current maturity perspective. The dumb things you do, was not that dumb that time, yet now, its totally and completely dumb. Then again, you do the dumb things you do that time because you still have the innocence and naivety that signifies purity of soul, and now, the soul is tainted through the years and you tell yourself you will never do dumb stuffs again. At least of the naive nature. Geezzz.

Its a lil complex, but whoever said mental complexities are not as the word suggest? heh.

Well, i have decided. And so it shall stay that way. There is somebody now, yet im not realli interested. No point getting attached, at least not till i have a passive income of $1000 per mth.

Affairs of the heart, there is realli no rush. The most i stay single all my life, what matters in life is not to find somebody to settle down, its money. Money money money, its all that matters now, so my short term goal is laid out infront of me, 1k in passive income every month. =)

Um, its getting abit gibberish now, my brain is shutting down cause im so damn tired. Fuck, shall go sleep. Ciaoz~!

This blog abit old liao, i tink maybe its time to convert it to a investment blog, rather then some silly affairs-o-the-heart blog. As we age, we tend to change priorities, and that is exactly what happened to me. I have sort of erased most of the emotions within me with regards to her, so i guess we're on the road again man. =)

Okies, first of all, my current portfolio:

1) Noble Group

2) Banjoo

3) PT Berlian Laju

4) Saizen REIT

And so the reasons for incorporating them into my portfolio is as follows:

1) I personally like Noble's business and being in the commodity business means u you perpetual prospects, commodities is something that is always needed in whichever phrase of the economy. Therefore i feel its quite rock-solid when industry demand is concerned.

Currently Noble is still bearish, but nonetheless this counter is my fundamental pick, so i cant realli be bothered with the charting of this counter. =)

2) Banjoo, the well known kukujiao counter. I'm vested in Banjoo due to their recent change in owner and industry. They are now venturing into the indonesian telecoms industry, where they have secured a governmental contract for construction and maintenance of various sub-stations to extent mobile coverage to the rural areas of indonesia. Indonesia itself, boosts inpressive growth and its economy is mostly inert to the global economy. The recession merely grazed indonesia because although indonesia is a 3rd world country, this fact actually saved them. Indonesia's demands is self-supplied, so they dun realli import or export much products for domestic consumption. Anyways, long story cut short, Banjoo is a medium-term tikum counter which have potential to be a multi-bagger. In which case if it does not do well, i also lose not much. hahaha

3) PT Berlian Laju, this one is pure tikum, with some research done on its financials and backgroud. The fair valuation of this counter is SGD0.15, yet its now lying at SGD0.035, simply because they turbo issues rights to garner cash for insane expansion. Currently they are the 3rd largest chemical freighters in the world, and i believe they will soon be number 1 if they managed to pull off this insane expansion plan. Oh, need i mentioned they are also highly leveraged? Haha, but tikum this one also no hard, lose also not much. Hiak hiak

4) Saizen REIT, this deadly counter is my first purchase to build up the fixed income portion of my portfolio. I shall elaborate more on the Jasonian Portfolio Theory later. Saizen deals in Japanese properties, and as the general rules go, Japanese real estate is super expensive. Anyways japanese properties have immerse potential, and as XH puts it, they need 2 generations to completely purchase a property. That is how expensive jap properties is. Anyways im just vested this morning, awaiting their financial announcement tomorrow morning before market opens. I have a certain feel good factor about this counter, simply because i did ALOT of research before committing in this counter. =)

Alrite, everybody needs to have dreams yeah? There is a few counters i would LOVE to hold if i have the monies, which at this point, im still damn poor lah. Cb. But no harm listing it out lah, at least i feel better that way. hahaha

To buy:

1) FSL Trust: This one die die must buy at the current price, the dividend yield is 12.88% per annum. The current price of SGD0.4 makes it a super cheap counter with respect to its NAV and div yield. They got into some shit hence the price like super low now. Nonetheless, they did announce they may be making some adjustments to future dividends. But still, this counter returns is good, simply because ship leasing is picking up as the economy is SLOWLY coming back again despite so many cock and bulls stories about double dip. Remember, the ball called earth is now undergoing a historical first; a asynchronous recovery. Asian countries are leading the recovery, with China in the forefront, we are currently the ones saving the western overspending asses with our incredibly godlike savings.

2) AIMS REIT: This one the yield is good, and its one of the 3 REITs im considering adding to my fixed income portfolio. Reasons for this choice is simple. I like it. =)

3) Cambridge REIT: This is the 3rd REIT i would like in my portfolio. Shall not say much, if you guys wan info why i like this so much, go google, tons of answers in there. hahaha (Lazy to type lah)

4) OCBC Bank: My veri own dear employer. Its a steal once it goes to 8.5 and under. OC will definitely hit $10 in the next 10 years, simply because as an employee in the bank, i believe in my own bank. hiak hiak hiak

5) Starhub: A Telecoms counter to diversify away from the other counters in my portfolio, because Starhub pays constant and good dividends for its price and stability. And might i add, im abit biased, cause i am a Starhub user. =p

6) Ezra: A Oil related counter that could ride on oil prices, which is guaranteed to go up rather then down in future. I also like the fact that i always see Ezra employees at my branch area. All look decent and dont seem too shady. Hurhur.

7) Tiger Air: Contrary to popular believe, i was onli recently interested in this counter when XH told my about it. In the past, the IPO price of SGD1.5 kinda freaked me out, but right now its valuation is slowly catching up with its IPO price. For medium term prospects, this counter fits nicely into my portfolio, because i need a air carrier to tap on the asian tourism boom.

8) Transpac: This one is a semi tikum and fundamental stock. To me, its like a pandoras box. you look at the financials and u go boomz, and the next thing u know, they give out 40 cents dividend. Last dec, i was a fortunate beneficiary of the 40 cents thingy. haha. Anyways transpac is a investment holdings company, which is vaguely similar to what ang mohs called a venture capital company. They buy and sell shares and companies, kinda like a equity fund without the so called mandate. There is no predetermined fund manager, which means there is no management costs like unit trusts. Up till now, transpac is performing veri nicely, and the dividends they give out machiam tio bonus like tat, wudi one! hahaha!

There, finally finished typing, there is lots more to tok about, but lets just stop here for the time being. Remember, try not to be a chartist, and if you realli wanna be one, make sure you have the ability or leverage to play, dun end up a victim of Mr Market! ^_^

Missing Me Missing You

Peeps, been sometime since i blogged. Anyways i've been extremely busy these days, as usual with my work and stuffs. Something went wrong in April, and i was bottom of the charts. I guess its what they call the burn out effect. I was too tired to realli run for sales, so in the end i sunk.

But this month, i must run, i dun fucking care. My boss gave me a HUGE deal and hence i am now at the top of the top together with my other 2 colleagues, but still, its not my own effort and im not particularly proud of it. I must close more deals on my own accord before i can realli appease myself.

Okays, yesterday was damn shoik, went to chill out with the guys and jade at Wala Wala. Someone spoke about something and i kinda stoned. I knew, but still its kinda hard to swallow. Well anyways its good, because i can start to look for my own happiness. Its dumb i know, and as usual, those that understands, understands; those that dun understand, never will. =)

Alrites, back to topic, i blogged todae at this hour, because i came across a few articles and forum posts on this girl that committed suicide at AMK a few days back because of a failed relationship.

I aint gonna advertise what happened etc, the main point here is the slice of the pie i took away from this information.

Life is short, everyone knows that, but yet for somebody to even consider shortening it further, things must realli be veri veri adverse. So the question is, have you ever had suicidal thoughts some point in your life?

For me, thankfully the answer is no. I wouldnt fucking kill myself even if i lost my dick or i became a absolute bankrupt or for all that matter, my future wife cuckooed me etc. I am a firm believer of living to fight another day.

People says god gave you life. For me, its my parents that gave me life. And therefore, no point throwing away the best gift your parents ever gave you because of some silly little problems that will DEFINITELY become insignificant over the course of your life. The only way to remedy problems is to live on and work out a solution, not to go airborne without parachute and hope that the problem dies with you.

Problems never die, they can only be solved. Although i've not been through ALOT, i wasnt realli born with a silver spoon as well. Im not going to whine and spout what shit and blah blah i have gone through so people can sympathize with me. Im a man and so i shall suck it up and live it on. =)

So looking back, im single all my life, maybe that is a blessing in disguise. Cause though somedays the loneliness catches up with you, most days you are just glad nobody ever hurt you the way you dun wan to. To me, emotional torture is worse then physical torture. So yeah, maybe things are the way they are because the fellow-above-the-clouds is trying to prevent people from hurting me. Heh.

Okies, jokes aside, the world is fucking coming to an end. Nbcb the fucking weather hot until mother cry lah. I bathe alreadi go downstairs buy food only, come back sweat like dog. Initially i suspected its my fats that's screwing me in, then i saw a few thin fellows also sweating like dogs beside me. The fucking weather is frying every mother's son in this lil country. Wootz!

Oh yeah, one thing though, am i realli dote-able? It seems womenfolk like to dote on me. Not say i bhb, but seriously, there are a few realli nice ladies that seems to dote on me alot, and that excludes my mum, who obviously is a god-send lady to specially dote on me. Anyways i wont say who are they, later they see this then dun dote on me anymore i die sia. lolx.

Okays, reading back the entries, i've realised a fact of life. Some people are meant to stay in your life, some are simply passerbys. We can be the bestest of the bestest frends, but the definition of bestest onli applies to a specified time frame in life. Example = I have a bestest frend called Jonathan Chan in Primary School. After PSLE, i dun even know anything about him anymore, till now i still dun kw where he works and how is he getting on in life. lol.

Another interesting person is my frends in polytechnic. We kinda stuck togetherly for like 3 yrs, and now we hardly even contact, except for meet ups and stuffs. Therefore, all this makes me treasure my Uni frends more then ever, simply because even after graduation, we're still close and especially the guys, we almost meet every weekend to play mahjong. And among them all, im closest to Nicalashi. This fellow is my colleague in OCBC and therefore we always contact on and off. Lolx.

Okays, im sweating just typing this shit here, fucking cb weather fucked up one. Why cant it be raining for the whole day man. Oh, that brings me to the final topic, I've changed over the years, but some habits are die hard. An example is my love for rainy days and cold nights, its damn romantic. And another habit is the mental allocation of songs for people that matter to me. There is always a song that reminds me of somebody in my life.

For that, her official soundtrack is Lee Hom's Xin Tiao. Nothing much, not trying to prove anything, just wanna type it here for the record, in case i go mad and forget stuffs. Talking about record, im gonna do something for the record, so that i can remember every single thing that happened. Yeap~~~

Okays, enough of irrelevant and random rantings. I know most of this entry doesnt even link together logically, but what the heck, its my blog, i type what i wan, when i wan. =)

Jason: Tonight is just one night, where things aren't that adverse yet.

如果天有情

作詞：李安修　作曲：許建強　編曲：杜自持

總要為愛傷透了心

才知真情多麼難尋

有誰願意如此　認識愛情

總要流下多少淚滴

才能看清楚自己

一顆癡心　一段赤情

說得容易　怎奈人間際遇

就讓我和你　沈睡在夢裡

可知我的心　不願意醒

相偎又相依　黑夜到天明

緣份不能分　命運不能離

如果天有情　如果夢會靈

就讓我的心　愛到徹底

我對你的愛　已無法說明

就像風吹不息　雨打不停

此情不渝

生日快乐.

Currently at number 4. After reporting tomorrow, will be number 3. Fuck. im missing the number 1 spot by 2604 points, i cannot let that happen, i say i will be number 1, means i will be number 1.

I will. I must. I shall become!

Been sometime since i updated peeps. Sorri bout that, was extremely busy with my job. For those that doesnt know, im now a banker. Kinda easy to say, yet its a hard job, a realli realli tough job. Those that can survive, survive, those that cant, too bad. Im hoping im a survival though. haha.

Anyways initially i fucking hate the long hours and the calling sessions, its like totally fucking cb de tiring and a torture because i start work from 0830hrs to 2100hrs. Yes u heard rite, i fucking work 12.5 hrs almost every fuck day. And if i dun hit target, i work on sundays. Saturday is a working day for your info. So you see, i became lifeless and drained.

That was initially, but now im a changed man. To my astonishment and dun know since when, i fell in love with this job and the long hours. I now officially revel in the long working hrs and tons of calls i have to make to customers. Im happy going home late and reaching home at 10pm, with just 2 hrs to destress and relax before going to sleep and waking up at 7am in the morning to take part in the 'morning rush'.

Why the paradigm shift? Simply because i feel that this is my calling. Although my performance isnt a 1 month wonder, im slowly catching up with the revenue points. First month was 2k, then 4k, 5k, 6k, 8k and now im at 12k. Slowly as i get the hang of it, im closing more deals and having more clients. And now i do ask myself this: What drives me?

Firstly its the clients. Im quite lucky to have met some customers that are realli nice and these are the clients i have decided to keep under my wings. As i service them more, i get more and more professional in the way i speak to them.

When i first started out, i sounded exactly like your typical salesman selling products in the streets. I didnt realli bothered with realli understanding clients for who they are. But now im different. The difference between a banker and a insurance agent is quite prominent. Bankers plan the all around finances of their clients which includes various products outside the scope of insurance. Insurance agents on the contrary, onli sell insurance and nothing else. I dun have a grudge against insurance agents by the way, im just saying. =)

So as i said, i became somebody that talks about the economy and market in depth with clients. I analyse their needs and how to best sector and divest their finances over various products. The best part is, i have managed to remain quite neutral towards customers. I dun have exact preference over those rich people. The onli bias i have is towards own portfolio of customers, I will always serve them first, the rest can press Q number until the birds come home. To me, its simple. Customers that trust in me deserves the best, it realli takes alot for somebody to put down large sums of money with you.

Ok, i know its getting quite boring. Lets talk about some gossips shall we? I finally knew the person i said looked like another person. Not realli as interesting as i thought, oh well, maybe im just too attuned to the other. Nonetheless, im glad im single, because with working hours like mine, i might as well remain single then go waste a gal's time right? I dun have the time to spend the so called 'quality time' and so a relationship will still end up in tatters anyways.

I have officially reached sumo weight class, so i seriously think i should lose weight for my health's sake. A fat fuck does not fit well into society i tink. hahaha.

Well, 12am, bedtime. Ciaoz!

Anecdotile Reverence

Im kinda dizzy now after drinking at the sales update meeting at butter factory. Sometimes i do wonder why the hell i drink whichever corner i go to in the meeting. For some background info, a sales update meeting is a huge gathering of all the sales staff of the bank and where there is announcement of the top branches and staffs for the year ending. Yup, im not in the list since im so green.

Anyways sales is starting to pick up abit, and i guess i have to put in more effort to realli sow my seeds. Customers are like children, u needa pamper them and show them care and concern before they actually trust you and do business with you. The main reason why i chose this job is because i can meet alot of customers, who relates more or less their life story to you, where u slowly learn about the various aspects and perspectives of life thru other people's eyes.

Anyways i have a notorious new big boss who is renowned for being a basket and totally fucked up fellow. But i do understand all his hard lined tactics is simply part and parcel of his job. He is paid to make us slog for results, and accordingly we take a basic salary from the bank for a reason. Hence although i kinda kpkb, i still find a place for him in my heart, simply because i know each and every paid individual have a job to do. It just so happens that he is in the bad ass position. Ah well.

My results are coming SLOWLY, and i do hope i can rise up to the challenge of this new big boss. Rather then complaining that i have to work like a dog, i kinda told myself that all this is infact for my own good. To go far in a sales career, you have to SLOG like a dog. The onli solution is hardwork and more hardwork. There isnt such a thing as working smart like in Uni, its fundamentally a numbers game. The more customer you come in contact with, the higher the sales rate. So yes, i do understand the hard reality and i hereby pledge to do my best to become the best in the industry.

Gals wise, everyday i come in contact with numerous babes. Be it customers or colleagues. Some of them are indeed veri physically attractive, but to me, its all naught. The special one i look for has to have it 'inside' and 'outside'. I know i dun have the qualities to ask for such a perfect person, but the gauge of who is 'the one' is entirely mine. A pretty face is onli mainly for lust purposes and i am grown up enough to understand that. Therefore i am still stationary waiting for somebody to wow me enough for me to take action. The burden i recently laid down still has its toll on me somehow, albeit not being so heavy anymore.

Since im not exactly conscious, let me have to liberty of spouting some thoughts here. Those gossip mongers who likes juicy news, you're in luck tonight. =)

Question: Do i still?

Well the answer is not so much as per in the past. Slowly im compelling myself to rid the feeling off. I have to, if not how the hell am i going to concentrate on my job and climb the career ladder when the onli shit thing i think about is O. I told myself, " grow up asshole, O hates you, so just fuck it and concentrate on excelling in your current job with the fucked up big boss.". I am now taking my own precious advice and slowly tearing myself away from the emotional strings. Contradictorily, deep inside there is still this dumb ass fellow that hopes a miracle might happen and you know, things get rosy. But a good 90% of my sane consciousness tells me its actually 90% impossible for that scenario to happen, unless the world ends and we are the onli tartlets left in the world. So yeah, fuck me. =)

Therefore, moving forward, i will try to open a little slot for people to try to fit themselves in, and with luck, maybe somebody might be actually wow me enough. And for those that are wondering, yes, i do have candidates available, and no, im not slimmer but im fatter. Hurhur.

Aites, i am now effectively shifting into lala-land mode and i can feel the alcohol starting to kick in. Those tat sees this entry is quite blessed, cause after i start working, i rarely divulge what i feel. Politics and other stressful factors changed me slowly, and the onli saving grace is my ability to TRY and ignore them all and lead a carefree life with a singular motive in life: Achieving the target set by my supposing-ly fucked up big boss.

With Love~~~ Jasonio Valentinovich Lamisitocra. ( New year, New name. Yeah, fuck me. )

Letting Go

always be my baby

Tired, but long time nvr update, so update here abit.

stress, fat, poor. me.

sad. but. true.

anyways im happy, for now.

the. end.

the one about the satisfying first job!

Hey peeps, was too busy to update these days. hahah. Started work in OCBC, was veri happy with the job and i learnt tons of things this 3 weeks. All aspects of life is good, although its abit tiring. Nxt wed getting my veri first pay, and i have alreadi planned how to spend it. lolx.

After going thru intensive courses on structured deposits, unit trusts and other investment and banking facilities, i realli have a concrete interests in banking. I tink i learnt more this 3 weeks, then what i learnt in my uni education, pertaining to banking that is. Went thru some induction sessions last week, and i guess they do paint a realli nice picture. Lets just hope the actual stuffs is realli as they painted it ba. =)

Xh and weihao they all came over to play mahjong with me last saturday, and surprisingly i won. Maybe its the happiness exuding from me cause i passed my M9 on friday evening. Wahahaha! I was genuinely happy to have finally found a good job, have good training colleagues and a strong passion for the career infront of me.

I do hope i can adhere and learn all the regulations and compliances required for sale of products and earn some dough. My career path is to hold down my position for 2 yrs, after which i shall get my MBA, and then apply for mgmt associate position and finally get into senior mgmt. Sounds far fetched i kw, cause i might jump banks for all i kw, hell i might not even survive 3 mths before getting fired. lolx

So now life is kind to me, and i did meet someone interesting enough to stir me up abit. But lets see how things go, deep inside, im still ...... you kw? yeah.

And so its 1230am now, 30 mins pass my bedtime. Sigh, off to sleep and thank the heavens tml is FRIDAY! WEEE! After work tml maybe go timbre or balaclava to chill, but secretly, i just wan to go home and rest. =.=" Ah well, colleagues jio, must give face rite? Right. =)

Jason's : I am trying to formula a chain lending and hedging system that allows a individual to generate huge amounts of returns the legal way using the theory of covered leverage. =)

the one about the failure in life

Okay, i failed the m9 again. Though i would love to put all the blame on the test being rigged etc, ultimately the fact is smacking me in the face: its my fault. I admit i didnt realli study for it, so i guess its orbi for me. Big waste of money for no obvious reasons at all, except my own laziness, so fuck me.

Anyways laziness has always been a deadly sin that is stopping me from becoming the man that i am supposed to be. Im so fucking lazy that its appalling i managed to drag my sorry ass till this stage in life. Ah well, though they say habits are die hard, this slacking streak must come to an end. Must end.

I have lots of update this entry, so bear with me eh? After bitching bout how lazy i am and how fucked up i feel failing the m9 again, i shall enlighten people on what i have been doing this few final weeks of freedom before i start work.

Muay thai was fun and i've went to the muay thai/ judo camp and knew lots of new ppl. I wasnt a veri effective OGL, cause maybe being the oldest there makes me feel kinda awkward, but surprisingly my whole group joined muay thai rather then judo, maybe i have some kind of hidden influence after all eh? hahaha =p

But seriously, im beginning to appreciate muay thai and the people there. All of them are realli nice ppl and the coaches are all realli nice ppl as well. Training is tough, but i find myself improving, my technique and overall strenght on a ascending climb. I might not be the best fighter out there, but at least i train slowly at my own pace and in the long run, this investment will pay off. I think. hahaha

I will be starting work nxt tuesday, so im kinda vexed and excited. Vexed because i have yet to pass my m9 and if i dun pass it, i might be jobless. Excited because of the new ppl and enviroment i will be in. Sincerely i simply hope i will do well in the job and earn some cash to buy and do stuffs that i want. Revamp room, get my license etc... And finally get a car.

Getting a car isnt as simple as ABC though, i need to carefully plan out the finances required to support 1. Either i will save up and full cash a jap car, or save up 100k to down for a BMW Z4. The second option is abit far fetched lah, cause 100k is no small amount. Infact giving it more thought, do i realli need a car? i mean the various upkeep costs are all immerse liabilities. Ah well, shall plan when i have the money, right now, maybe dun tink so much first ba, i need to survive the first 6 mths on the job first.

Relationship wise, i have to be veri honest here. I have not met somebody that strikes up an interest even though i've met a lot of ppl this few mths. And i doubt i will meet anybody special at work too, because the fact is im still veri much tied up. I have given up trying to do something about the knot, because everytime i try, it gets tighter. And its for the best also, focus on career and be a single rich man, then be tied down and be a troubled attached man. hahah

Whatever it is, i nvr hated her and will never ever hate her. Pissed yes, but never hatred. Never ever.

Aites, moving on, in the past i used to think about converting my blog to some financial blog or some other sort of non-romantic blog. But i tink fuck it ba, i am a somebody that is romantic and emotional, and moreover this is my blog, i write whatever i wan as long as im not inciting some racial wars or watever. So yes, i shall write about how i feel about the world in general and guy gal relationships and psychology.

Toking bout psychology, i was at a RT training last weekend, when i overheard 3 guys chatting. They were saying which faculty gals are prettiest and stuffs like that, which is normal. But then they kinda went into judge-dread mode and started saying which faculty have bitches and bimbos etc. I listened and started thinking to myself: Why judge people when u guys aint the cream of the crop? Even if u are indeed the cream of the crop, who gave u the right to judge people?

Seriously speaking, i tink majority of the RT guys are the weak fellows in the male population of singapore, including me. So the stuffs these 3 nerds were toking about is kinda ironic. Whether they are bimbo or smart people or whatever they are, that's the way they are. They dun judge u, so why go and judge people? Ah well, juz a thought, cause i myself cannot escape from judging ppl sometimes, though i try to tell myself not to.

Tick tock tick tock i tink its time to rest. Dun kw why, i get tired easily these days. I've been watching House M.D. these few days, and its REALLI scary when every single fuck thing seems like some symptoms of some dread disease. Cb, think too much alreadi. hahaha

Oh ya, before i forget, people keep asking me a question whenever they see me. Its getting annoying, and i tot maybe i should explain things here. Yes, i still like her. But its like you like a ferrari, but u know u can never afford one. Get what i mean? Like doenst mean need to get together. As long as she's happy, she can hate me all she wan and im just as happy seeing her happy. So stop asking me whether i still like her anot because i will still tell u the same answer be it 5 yrs or 10 yrs. Its a preferencial feeling u have for something or someone, not that kind of 'i-must-own-her' kind of feeling. Understand??? =)

Jason's : Failing M9 is like being forced to look into ur own joblessness. If u get what i mean. Pardon my lousy language. =(

i am veri vexed about tml's m9 paper. i realli dun wan to fail again.

im realli VERI VEXED. FUCK!

Todae is my birthday.

I've been making the same wish for 2 years.

It will never come true.

I hope this will be the last year i make the same wish.

So yes, i made an additional wish this year apart from the same one every year.

I thank my family for celebrating this day with me.

I thank my frends for celebrating with me yesterday.

So todae is my birthday.

26th one to be exact.

Will i be what i want to be?

I do hope so.

M9 M8 i have to pass.

Daily quota i have to hit.

This friday i convo.

After that 2 weeks to first day of training.

My life is about:

Work.

Sales.

M8 M9.

Muay thai.

Training.

the one with the philo shits

As usual, the paradigm of life still confounds me to this day. Life is like a stream of water seemingly flowing down a predetermined path, or so you thought, and the next moment it completely changes course. The way to live a enlightened life is to accept things for what they are, and we go full circle back to the philosophy of 'Everything happens for a reason.'

I officially rejected the GE FA job, and todae i went for UOB personal banker interview. Well, working for a bank gives you a basic and the benefits are actually better. The bottomline is still the same, if you dun achieve, u get fried. Ah well, watever it is, i need to hold down a job fast so as to repay ALOT of stuffs. Wah lan, if onli i hit the lottery. hurhur

Looking at my blog, i realised its quite solemn, as in there's not much pictures and the black theme kinda make it abit morbid. Well, my life isnt as sad as my blog lah, just that the black stuff make it seem cooler and im just too lazy to upload pictures. I've been browsing thru a few blogs recently and all of them proved everyone just wants to be loved.

What are the odds of finding somebody that realli loves you for who you are? Think about it, besides your family, the chances of finding somebody that dun lusts after you or loves ur money more then you are realli miniscure. The way to segregate whether its true love is to simply imagine yourself being blindfolded and void of all material thoughts. Kinda like ignoring all other factors that might contribute to your emotions, and just spend time with that person. This is a state where hearts and souls connect and the base foundation of the intriging 'love'.

So like i said, i presume i am the only dumb person who will actually ascertain my feelings truthfully, alot of relationships are actually built upon other factors rather then love. Be it a need for a partner, for the money, or simple lust, they're actually a kalaidescope of interconnected actions and reactions. For that, i am damned and most prob will remain single for life. Yeah people tell me 'fate will come' or 'when its time, its time' etc. To me now its all bullshit because although i am in no position to be picky, im extremely picky.

Ah fuck, im feeling so naked toking about these stuffs man. Think forget it, no point further illustrating. Back to where i was, im updating irregularly these days, simply because i slack at home so much and i didnt realli go out, so i dun have much 'adventures' to post here. hahaha

The last time i went out was sunday, when i met ah wei, ah leong and mee kia for lunch and a day out on national day. A day out with any of the guys is always a good day, all the rubbishes and the laughter, it just reminds me this is the reason we are frends. =)

The one in the middle of the night.

Im kinda vexed these days, lots of problem surfaced. Especially financial problems. Sigh.

My com died on me, and i needa change the motherboard and the processor, which amounts to around $160. Then the great eastern thingy dropped a bomb on me, telling me needa buy laptop. So i guess i will be paying $300 to the company cause i certainly do not wan to spend 800 bucks when i haven even started work. So yes. Screw laptops.

And then the convo thing i need $250 as deposit for the stupid graduation gown. Cb leh, how am i supposed to pop up with so much cash out of a sudden? I dun wanna borrow from ppl, so i have to tink of something. And then there's the problem about finding a job tat surfaced again after i decided to fly great eastern aeroplane. CB.

Shit happens, and as a matter of fact most of the shit is self-inflicted. Ya, i kinda ate myself. Ah well, i have this penchant to choose the wrong direction if u get what i meant. hmmms...

Enough bout my troubles, lets tok about something else. I've been repeatedly listening to a song these days. Didnt find it nice, until i heard it in somebody's car earlier this year at night near changi airport. I know its abit hard for ppl to understand, but those who knows, know, as usual. They will remember the song, each and everyone in the car. hahas! Ah well, those were the days eh? (Those that still rem the song name can try to guess it in the comment box. hurhur)

The earth still spins, and i do thank alex, who indirectly helped me. Toking this, i realli like my muay thai club more and more. The people there are nice, although im actually quite mean to the girls, lols. I like to disturb people lah, so i might be appear mean lor. But well, i realli meant no harm, and i had my fair share of people that cannot take jokes, so yeah, the gals in MT are realli good sports. =)

The guys in MT are a funny and interesting crowd, especially the seniors. What i enjoy is the seriousness when we train, and yet there's this comaderie and trust. When we train, the focus in our eyes realli makes me damn happy to be training with this bunch of people. With the recent addition and help of louis, wilson and jason, the training is getting more and more fun. =)

Then comes this side of me, that realli wanna be better at my art. To lose weight, gain speed and power. The stupid tummy is making my kicks less effective, although it does serve as a shock absorber sometimes. My balance is laughable so i cant realli do consequetive (i kw spell wrong. mental block.) kicks fast and furiously. Sigh. Needa train more ah jason lam, train more.

One more thing, as i get older, i realised im getting more and more long winded hor. U see my entries when i was younger was much shorter then the posts now lor. I tink im realli getting old le. Thinking bout it, i AM old. 26 yr old without a dime and best thing is im jobless. Haiz.

Alrite lah, enough of my depressing situation. Will think of something soon. Meantime, i have to go rest and wake up early tml to study for the HI test that is tml. I paid for it, might as well go for it rite?

Nitez fellows.^_^

The one with the besotted dreams

Im kinda depressed these days, simply because my parents dun realli understand what i am and what i wanna become. As usual, they're ur typical asian conservative types, who wans their kids to get a stable job and then work till old and save up an amount in CPF and then retire. In short form, sandwich class.

They never realli understood my dreams and aspirations. Im not one to be tied down to on 9 to 5 job and stay that way forever. I wan to start something i call my own, regardless how tough the going. I dare not say i am the perfect business man material with the perfect plan, but i wan and dare to try. Sigh.

Why do parents like to impose their format of life onto their kids? Why dun they understand sometimes, we wan to shape our own future, rather then follow their predetermined 'perfect life' format? They say im silly, naive and not practical. What's so silly about having a dream, naive about trying to fulfill that dream, and not practical about starting your own business?

My mum says business is onli for the rich kids, with rich dads to sponsor their business. For me, i believe in starting something from ur own hands, by your own means. So what if i have no rich dad? Capital problems can be solved with a good business plan, i personally have business ideas and concepts that are low cost and efficient.

An example is Seraphine Playworks, the cost for the entire operation was less then $200, simply because of the JIT inventory methodology i adopted. Orders first, inventory second. The same goes for the upcoming idea that im currently discussing with ah wei. The capital needed for this venture is just the registration fee and around $3k of backup funds. So you see, contrary to popular belief, u dun need alot of money to start a business.

Sigh, anyways, in the meantime i shall study well for my HI and M9, after passing out maybe work as a FA for the time being. No basic is a headache, but its still a proper job after all. I've decided to work hard for this job and at least get a stable income. Alot of ppl tells me negative stuffs about this line, but i still wanna go ahead and see where this will take me. I know, ppl might laugh or ridicule me IF i fail, but heck them all, even if i fail, i learn something out of it.

Enough about my miserable life, lets tok more about people's lives. People at some stage or another, fall deeply in love with another person, normally with the opposite sex. So the deeper they fall for somebody, the greater the hit they take when things end. What ppl see is the loss of somebody they loved for so long, what they fail to see, is how insignificant the situation is.

Everything has its cycle of beginning and end. When things end, why take it so bitterly? Its simply a cycle, and the saying that there is a better one out there is always true. By the Law of greater numbers, there is ALWAYS somebody better, no matter how perfect you deemed your lost love to be. So just take in the memories, and be glad that both of you had time together.

Im gonna be 30 in 4 yrs time, and i realised i lived almost 1/3 my entire lifespan. I have 2/3 of my life left to do something great and be someone great. By doing and being someone great, i dun mean appearing on Forbes magazine or anything related to being super rich. On the contrary, i wanna be a good son, husband and father.

To me, money is important, but nothing is more important than your loved ones and family. What the oldies says is true, the greatest wealth in the world is having a closely knit family. The parents who cared for you from birth to now, the siblings who went thru thick and thin with you thruout your life, the wife who chose to follow you trusting you with her entire remaining life that you will love her with all your heart and soul, and your children who loves you and believes in you. They are what's important, not just some greenbacks and golden bars.

I know its kinda philosophical, but nonetheless to be able to appreciate and conduct yourself with the above principle is not easy. People discover this truth sooner or later, but most of the time, its too late. Im just glad i realised this early, when i didnt learn this the hard way.

If you are looking for a clue to my recent sudden change in policy, you wont realli find it here. Its like i say, i woke up one day and had a eureka moment, and from then on, screw it. I know how i feel and who i am, i dun see a need anymore to be appreciated. This paragraph has no relation to the above paragraphs. Those who get it, got it. Those that dont, too bad. I will most prob ignore whoever say the magic words from now on.

Jason's: When things get sickeningly disgusting, they simply cease to exist. Law of Mutuality.

the one with the supa late updates

I've been too slack to realli update this blog, but i promise i shall try my best to update it more often. yeah, promise. =p

Anyways i got TONS to blog about, and some of the contents might be a bit surprising to some people. hahaha. Firstly, im on the way to becoming a FA with Great Eastern OCBC. Before u close this window and block me on msn and delete my phone number, let me tell you bout details k?

I actually told the company my criteria before i signed up with them. 1st thing is i dun harass frens and family members. Simple as that. Second is i dun wanna do MRT hawking. Its not that im acting high class or watever, its just so freaking hot and i will sweat like a dog wearing formal under the hot sun. When im hot and sweaty (when im not in training attire.) , my mood is totally fucked and im quite unapproachable, much less approach ppl. so there.

Todae i went for my M5 exam, and i failed it. Fuck. Its total crap, u need 75% and above to pass that fucking paper, which is like unless u get distinction, u cannot pass. wtf? Anyways im gonna spend $100 to retake it. Fuck man. Waste of money. ccb.

Im actually comtemplating whether to juz fuck the whole thing and accept the RBS loan executive position IF they call, or juz reject them and stick with this FA thingy. Benefits of a FA includes perfect time control, high earnings provided u put in the effort. Time and money is what i need to start a business, so what i wanna do is do my best to help ppl plan their finances, and earn a tidy sum within the first 3 yrs so i can start Lam's Enterprises. Good plan?

But its juz a utopian scenario lah, the hard work involved is not child's play. Infact, i foresee a dilemma even if i succeed in becoming a successful FA. Either i start my business, or i go try SIA as a pilot. With monetary capital to support myself for the next 2 yrs, its a perfect time to go try SIA. Sigh. I dun kw man, but lets not think that far, i might not even make it as a FA.

Okays. Now career stuffs aside, lets tok about the topic people are most interested about.... my life. Firstly, i like to say, someone misunderstood me. But i dun see a need to clarify, since its kinda pointless because it runs too deep lah. All bad stuffs is me, and all good stuffs is due to any other factors except me. haha. Well let the wheels roll, im too tired and cropped up with things to be bothered anymore.

I dun realli wanna be childish, but i guess i can onli retaliate with childishness. Its kinda fun in a morbid way, i dun kw why also, but fuck it, juz enjoy the lan-lan-ness of the whole issue. When things clear up in future if ever, we might just laugh at our stupidity although we're almost 50 yrs old added together.

Yesterday went for muay thai training, and guess who i saw? huimin. again. This time, its not in the library, she's having lecture and was dressed as a OL. Wah lan eh, sibei pretty lah. She's even prettier then last time in Sec School lor. But interestingly, i didnt chat much, just the usual hi and some crapping, then im on my way to bathe and change to go for dinner.

I was tinking about stuffs on the way to dinner with the muay thai fellows, and im starting to understand, life is about accepting and adapting. Accept things that cannot be, and adapt to changes. Me and her, i have to accept its not gonna happen, and then adapt and carry on with life as per usual. I managed to do that for huimin, and never did i expect her to come back into my life again after 10 yrs, as a frend that is, tentatively. hahah =x

Nonsenses aside, im slacking like nobody's business these days man. I need to pick myself up from this pile before i realli become shit. haha. So i needa do something, anything. ffffaaaarrrkkkk.....

Oh ya, and then there's this type of people that asks dumb questions. They think we're at the same level and we should start at the same pathetic level as them. People get educated for a reason, and that reason is a higher start in life then you, so stop whining as asking how qualified we are, and work on making urself as qualified as us.

The above mentioned type is that kind of fellow that whines at every fuck thing and wallows that the world is unfair and such. Why not see things in a different perspective? Go do something about urself, rather then blaming the world for fuck's sake. You are what you are, because of what you want yourself to be.

I hope it rains later man, i wanna sleep my M5 failure off. hahahas. Oh ya, im currently thinking about trying to prepare Panna Cotta. Its a simple italian dessert which looks and sound super delicious. Tml im going to town, most prob will buy the ingredients and try it out. heehee.

You know, this might sound clique and abit gayish, but i do foresee myself preparing breakfast for my wife on sundays before she wakes up, served up in a breakfast tray and we could have breakfast in bed. hiak hiak hiak~~ im so hopeless rite? yeah i do agree, but that's how i am. Im someone that is emotional and romantically inclined. But im not those girlish girlish fellow, i come with fire and i am 100% man. Right now im trying to make myself more cultured, less vulgarities, and more constructive sentence linkages. =p

Wootz, call of nature, gotta shit. So im signing off here to go shit. Till the nxt entry!